Acceptance

 

I seek out the different, because that is the truest true

There’s something real about those that are different

I’ve come to find out that I am one of those different ones.

I used to stay enclosed, because I didn’t want to let out my full self.

It took me 30 years to find clarity. 

30 years to find the answers that I desperately sought for. 

30 years, closing my eyes and holding my breath. 

30 years of deep sorrow, extreme joy, and horrific heartache.  

30 years to be reminded of all the good, the bad and the ugly 

30 years to be blessed with all the triumphs, joys, and celebrations. 

30 years of the ins & outs, the ups and downs, the roller coaster of my so-called life. 

30 years of thinking that there would be results, that there would be a story book ending, that the movie credits would appear &  there would be applause.  

30 years of believing in God. 

30 years of false hope. 

30 years of climbing that mountain, gear in place, only to be let down again & again. 

30 years of having a vision of redemption, restoration, reconciliation. 

Less than a year for your life to become completely uprooted

Less than a year for someone you’ve known and loved over half your life to become a complete stranger

Less than a year for the answers to become more clear and solid

Less than a year of continuously, trying to make sense of it all

Less than a year, searching and begging for that peace to come quickly

Less than a year for acceptance to surface

Stranger

 Stranger~ a person whom one does not know or with whom one is not familiar….

I can’t sit with this feeling tonight

It’s disheartening 

Where one can become a complete stranger

after years of shared history 

Seeing through the magnifying glass now

much of life was unaccountable

Buried between the pages that I quickly turned before the truth could escape

Yet the truth would flee but my hands covered my ears

As it raced against time to catch the sound waves that squeezed between my fingers

Unrelentless they would find a way into my psyche 

Much to my chagrin it would take years to filter through

Yet when it did

My heart broke

In pieces

Not all at once but steadily

Like “slow & steady wins the race”

But I haven’t won

The stranger has…

While their ears are open

Their eyes unglued

Only a moment for clarity

Yet it’s clear right away

Fast & furious to slow & steady

Slipping through their fingers

Oozing out their pores

Bleeding from their heart 

But they, the stranger is unscathed

Scenes from a movie

 

The script is simple

You see how it plays out

At least you thought you did, it’s all laid out in front of you

I can’t fully comprehend why I feel that I am living outside of my head, the twilight zone

the pattern is always repeated

I see the reels rolling

Cut~

take two~

action!!

take four~

Cut~

The tidy ending

The package deal as the credits roll

Except that isn’t how it is, is it

Yet my soul still yearns for those pivotal moments that are glamorized  in Hollywood

Even now as my so called life was not ”completed” the way I viewed the original script 

I still search for those pivotal heart stirring moments

Reckless abandon, love so strong, the kiss, the tears, the solutions to a devastating end

Where does that come from, why is this stirring buried in my bones 

It forces me to sit with the question

Would  the credits play out completely if I could uncover those answers

Inconclusive, ambiguous, end scene

the dance

 

Sometimes my brain needs to sit in the quiet

Many times I force that stillness into motion

When the quiet presents itself, it screams at me

It’s not a subtle nudge like most might experience 

But a warning signal launched into the air 

Hoping desperately for me to finally grasp & turn off

I’ve realized the majority of my adult life has been a dance

A push & pull of sorts 

Between one soul & my own

You discover quite a bit about yourself as you continue this dance

Once the music is silenced it slowly roars out of control to gain your attention

This is me

This is my life

Or should I say this was my life

What pulls me back into that dance

While beautiful at times, often beauty was replaced by a nightmare

Who then, in their right mind, continues to fall back in, as soon as the music begins to play…

not this time…

not this time…

this “sealtian” will be my own❤️‍🩹

~patterns

I feel like I have no right to question what is going on 

I feel as though I shouldn’t be worried or concerned 

I’ve been here before too many times 

they say trust actions not words

someone once shared with me

trust the patterns…

I learned a lot from that one word, patterns…

patterns could always be trusted…

patterns were like clockwork…

sometimes the time frame was different, but the pattern remained the same….

why am I again amazed at the pattern…

it is exactly the same. 

someone please tell me how to severe this cord 

it’s lay dormant for a while

at times there’s a been a few tugs

now the draw has come back into play

I am not safe in my own soul…

once this tugging ensues I fear where I will go 

that is the hold that this cord has on me….

It seems that each time that I put more distance, more resistance , the cord gets snapped back into place

 

Again

Everyone wants to believe in something

A person, a higher power, themselves

What happens when that “something”  abandons them

Shakes their bones, puts out their light, crushes their soul

Not just once, but continuously 

At a perpetual speed that leaves you feeling as if you’re in the full blown fuckin twilight zone

What then?

Have you been in this place

Do I walk this path alone

Am I permitted to speak or drown in my silence

You view the experience through so many different lenses

You begin to question reality

How could this ultimately be a continuance & not yet this unfulfilled prophecy

“The story isn’t over” are the words you’ve been told but there are no actions to back them up

They fall on deaf ears as the patterns emerge again & again & again

Meanwhile you’re expected to keep moving, continue to press through the walls that you have still failed to break down

Why is that

Do you ever wonder

Truly what is the right answer, it slips through my fingers like sand

Just when I feel I’ve grasped it 

it slips out of my control 

Again & again & again

Hiding

~ Followed my intuition and came here instead….

I don’t know why I have been over the top emotional lately. Nobody tells you that there’s stages of grief, or I should say continuous stages of grief that just swallow you whole & overwhelm you all in one sitting…

I feel like I should warn someone. Your heart will break over and over again. Just when you think you’re okay, you realize you’re not. 

You begin to understand that there are one million pent-up emotions inside of you that are begging you to open the door and let them out. I personally, have stored them for so long. 

You can’t quite figure out how. It’s all part of the cycle, I fully believe, this is a part of life. 

& so many of us walk through this blindly with no realization at the moment…

yet we hide behind these doors, behind these walls, behind our skin, behind our heart and soul. We hide from ourselves. This giant, these giants, are myself. 

& I’m afraid, terrified really,  if I let them go that I won’t be okay.  I am afraid if I let them go that I will fall into a deep darkness that I will not be able to climb out of.  

They’re like leeches. Most cling to me until I am bone dry. Until I am so angry that I can’t contain my emotions. Until I am so sad that I contemplate life in general.  

They have this way of ruling your entire being.

& I allow it. I have continued to allow it.  I let it happen. Just like I let so much happen in the past.  It infuriates me that I have forgotten who I am & that my vision is cloudy yet again due to the circumstances of one…

This day

 

This day….

I feel it all

The heaviness, the burden, the pressure

The force slams me to the floor

This day…

Monotone

I am on auto pilot

It’s all a blur

My soul escapes through my pores

I am unaware

This day…

Is Joy

I feel triumphant

The acceleration of happiness flows through me

It’s as if I finally have won the battle between my mind & my soul

Fleeting yet solid in my bones

This day…

Is ordinary

A dream, some might say 

But then I wake up

The horrific sorrow looms over my head, like a cloud

This day…

Will be different

Because I have to make a choice

I cannot stay here forever

Regardless of the ties that bind me

Each day…

Is a new step

Leading down a path I did not choose

But a road that I must travel from this day forward

the spiral

 

a circle was meant for the beginning

a never ending rope melded together

a cord that should not easily be broken

we’re taught to trust

but yet who are we trusting

ourselves, each other

the spiral begins

the cord unraveling

yet one…holds on

hopefully each time

yet foolishly that cord twisted back together

but in reality, would soon unwind & take a different direction

his direction

it dissipated

which eventually disappeared

her direction

is transpiring

she’s finding her own way

her journey back to herself….

the walk…a mother’s perspective

 you 

why, i cry in dismay

were you there?

to pick up those broken pieces

to protect her at all costs….

you 

why, i plead quietly 

will you be there this time?

to love her 

to be present

to help her navigate

when she questions everything…

you 

why i scream in despair

you weren’t even there!

you failed her

not once

but often…

you

why, I question violently 

do you deserve this privilege?

you’ve abandoned her

so many times

you disappointed her

you.broke.her.heart

you 

why, i pause to move forward

someone still believes in you

someone still sees the good in you

she is one of your many arrows

your arrow of continuous hope…

 

This is me

Still intact but not fully put together

what should’ve been is no longer 

what could’ve been has been destroyed 

the hopes and dreams 

What once was so strong is no longer. 

It’s time for new dreams 

it’s time for a new foundation 

It’s time to rebuild 

the pieces will always be there

They will never fully detach 

the strength of that foundation is you 

it’s your choice what you do with it 

it’s your choice how you proceed 

do you tear it down 

do you rebuild? 

Do you pray that it can become some thing again 

or do you turn away and not look back 

the walls around you are no longer 

they’re the walls you used to protect yourself they have been stripped away 

burnt to a crisp 

You could say that what you put together & hoped would last forever couldn’t shield us. 

It’s not your fault.

I see a house 

I see a house that was once fully erect

I see a house that had life 

that had love 

that had Hope.

I see a house that had secrets. 

I see a house that had walls that crumbled down at the first hint of the smoke. 

I see a house that fought

 I see a house that battled 

But then I see a house that raged 

that rage let go and took over 

& tore through the whole foundation

that rage didn’t stop 

It just kept on burning.

It left reminders

A reminder that stands in front of me right now every day a reminder that I can no longer escape 

no matter how hard I try 

reminders that will be with me for the rest of my entire life 

whether I choose to let those reminders break me 

whether I choose to let those reminders help me 

to process through the destruction 

through the chaos 

through the heartbreak

through the anger 

through the rage 

through the bitterness

what will I choose?

From the front, you still see a foundation

from the front you still see life, but as you walk around & grasp it’s entirety 

you realize nothing is strong forever

Nothing is meant forever

Nothing lasts forever 

no matter how hard you fight 

no matter how hard you hold on

it can be gone in an instant.

& if you don’t get out when that first spark flies, it will destroy you 

It will destroy you & the entire contents of your soul

It will leave you unrecognizable