The yellow door… The yellow door that beckoned me, the yellow door that waited for me… The yellow door that anticipated my arrival…
Inside was a place of quiet… Of calm… Of peace…
I don’t know exactly what I’ve been looking for on this journey… My journey has been too long… I’ve constantly sought the answers and ran from them… I’ve constantly sought for peace and joy and found it along the way, but nothing could cover up the immense grief that I felt in my bones.
The grief of losing everything, when I say everything, I must not neglect to remind you that I have seven beautiful children.
But the grief of a love of a lifetime. It was like a slow and pending death, that still hangs on to this day. It’s like a ghost, wavering above my body, outside of my body, around my body. It will not leave. It is unrelenting.
I see him for what he is. & I am just so incredibly sad. The anger still rises when he talks, but the emotion that overwhelms me is sadness.
Sadness for what he misses. Sadness for what he fails to understand could’ve been the love of a lifetime, the ride of his life, the testimony that would reach others
He kept choosing “it.”
“It” was more important than anything.
“It” was more important than any of us.
“It” was more important than the fight, the fight for true unconditional love.
But he could not receive that devotion, he could not feel that affection, because “It” consumed him. I couldn’t understand why.
As I deal with my own addictions and my own demons, my own understanding is more clear But it still rocks me to my core. It still stabs me in the heart consistently and reminds me daily of what he continued to choose. Not me, not us. Why couldn’t he have just chosen us.
As I get ready to start my day today, I refuse to go home the same person. I refuse to continue to wallow in self pity . I refuse to continue to bury every emotion for fear of it will kill me.
I want to be free. I cannot see that freedom. I cannot visualize that freedom. I cannot taste that freedom. I will not lie to you, the freedom that I so desperately seek seems lost.
This hole I don’t think will ever be filled. I feel so alone in that. I want to heal, I want to be okay. I want to experience joy and peace, but I feel that it is literally impossible.
He was my everything. He abandoned me over and over and over and I allowed it. What am I so afraid of. I’ll break? That I won’t survive? Yes…
When I walk back into my own reality, I am overwhelmed. When I am silent and in solitude, I am okay. How do I find the middle ground…
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