hanging by a thread

 

Some days I don't know how I make it through.  This week, I have barely climbed out of them.  One foot in front of the other.  It's a never ending disaster of movement.  These emotions, I'm holding, at what point will i let go?  At what moment will the dam break?  Toxicity is real, narcissism is real, gaslighting is real, mental health instability is real, your brain being destroyed by alcoholism is real...

I ponder, does he get it?  Does he really understand the depth of destruction he has created.  Does he fully comprehend the heartbreak i feel?  Does he care about my stability?  At what point do the tables turn and the question being asked points in my direction?  

This is the twilight zone, the full blown fuckin twilight zone.  There is no awakening.  There is no continuing.  The door is revolving.  It continues to spin on, with or without me.  

Vulnerability

 

My husband filed for divorce.  I don't know why I was shocked. After a hellish two years and seperation of 8 months... I felt relief, one of us needed to do it, or did we.  I am going to be vulnerable here since this is mainly an outlet and not many read....

I am strong and confident once I find out on Sunday.  I finish cleaning out all his belongings and store them away in totes. I feel free, I feel bold.  I also feel angry.  My nervous energy flows through my house as I recreate, reorganize & purge any remains....

On Monday, I finish cleaning up the debris in my yard.  As I rake, I pray, I don't hold back and drop as many f bombs as i can, how ironic & messed up is that?!?!?!

I drive the rest of his things and deliver them to his carport.  I feel sneaky & anxious.

I receive the papers by certified mail, I want to burn them in the fire that's going....instead I read them and curse them.  I find two more barrels and shove them in my car and head back to deliver them into his parents carport where he resides. 

I am strong.  Weights are lifted and removed that have been crushing me.  I feel free and relieved.  I feel anxious, but spun up on energy, not sure of the source...

Tuesday morning, the tables turn a bit.  There is a death of a friend, a suicide, which spins him in a frenzy. I spin back into my codependent ways.  I search, I worry, I message.  His vulnerability pulls me in...

We are like E.T. & Elliot, we can't survive without the other, it's a sickness.  & some days it's too much...