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Sometimes we’re stripped of everything we thought had once defined us…
We feel defeated, alone, battered, destroyed…
We see this empty barren vessel…
That is no longer complete…
What we fail to realize is the turn around
The breaking
The awakening
The process is slow
Yet we rush it
For such a time as this
We grow, we flourish, we thrive🌳
Feelings are not my friend
Flooding my soul are the thoughts
Swirling & twisting around my heart
Squeezing so tightly I feel the air leave
Questioning this new found freedom
So fleeting
Does it only last for a time
Will it always be like this
Am I a hypocrite
Can I ever fully walk away
The days will accumulate but new days are coming
What to expect is crushing
What am I truly so afraid of
Why is that last brick holding on
Why have you not smashed to the floor
Just let me go
Let me be released from any & all reminders
Show me that it’s okay
Tear away the guilt that plagues my soul
Rid me of this hatred that eats away at my bones
For years I hid in darkness
I took apart the very own pieces of my soul
The light that magnified my being was snuffed out
A steady stream of flickering until all light was gone
I held in my hands the source of my energy but continued to falter at putting the pieces back together
a piece of my childhood has come to an end
slowly i have watched the demolition
each day i drive by & it is whittled down to nothing
it has been a slow process
as i round the curve every morning i am taken aback
one pillar remains
a piece of my life has been taken away
through lenses i viewed the destruction
i continued to go around in circles
climbing back in only to find emptiness
as i reach the end i am breathless
one pillar remains
this piece of my childhood, a school
while it is just a building, the process is symbolic
freedom awaits me
the presence is strong
the bricks have crumbled as I have allowed my soul to heal
but yet one pillar remains
if only he loved me as he loved alcohol
if only he loved me to survive his addiction
if only i loved him enough to let him go
if only i loved him & entrusted him to someone other than me
if only i loved him to see the damage we were both creating
if only he loved me to open his eyes to his destruction
if only he loved me to see his true self
if only he loved me to continue to persevere
if only i loved him to see that i can't go back
if only i loved him to know i won't survive this
if only i loved myself as much as i desperately love him
I’d want the whimsical ring
The proposal of new beginnings
In a perfect world, we would be a testimony
A testament that love truly does conquer all
In a perfect world, the past would dissipate
The future would not be looked upon as fearful
In a perfect world, we would do this life together
No more animosity, but yet a shared collaboration
In a perfect world all would come together and there would be no more sadness of what might have been
Reality is, there is no perfect world
Reality is, material things will disenigrate
Reality is, the new is unretrivable
Reality is, that testimony looks different
& maybe love does not truly conquer all
Reality is, we cannot escape the past regardless of how hard we continue to try
Reality is the future is unknown
Reality is, there is no life together
The process is debilitating
Reality is, 25 years falls upon us in a whisper of a cruel taunting of what never will be
she hesitates to stay as she looks back at what abandoned her
she desires hope nevertheless it continues to be a dissolution
the light is faint yet it is evident, still she continues to waver
she desires to remove her belongings and leave them behind
even now they continue to find their way back
it seeps through her pores though she has fought to extract the remnants out
yet still they beckon
she is haunted deep in her bones by what has been lost
but she still cannot severe the pull
I just don’t want to be
a n y m o r e
I don’t want to move
I’ve allowed the brokenness to swallow me
I can’t find a way to escape it
It’s up close and present
Not distant and isolated
Crazy ensues
Projection and anger fly out of my body
In hopes of piercing him
the downfall
The arrows graze & return to destroy me
Twisted i have seen
depraved from the truth buried in my bones
Twisted i have felt
corrupt with the unseen blindness of many
Twisted i have been
warped with my own inner demons
Twisted I am unmoving
but clawing out of the depths of burial
Twisted I continue to feel
but those scars are slowly vanishing
Twisted I am still
but the voices are but a whisper…
that life is truly an ongoing journey
Your soul will fight
your heart will shatter
your will
will break
Each step you take continues to move you forward
Each turn is another season of life that you will endure
The time you spend fighting is wasteful
It will prove nothing except defeat
The strength is within you
the answers are deep in your soul waiting to be dug out
do not silence them
take them out
one by one, acceptance is freedom
Regardless of what that looks like
it will blind you at times, but accept it
hold that feeling deep in your bones
refuse to abandon your truth
~do you see
do you see me
do you see the real me
~the twisted, bruised & broken me
the thoughts go unheard yet swirl in my mind
the visions are unrecognizable yet flash before my eyes
the voices are but a whisper, yet scream in my soul
~I see you but yet I’m still invisible
i am small when I come beside you
I am lost in the shadows & hover underneath your gaze
~I retreat to the very person I should not become
you have that power still in your hands
where do I go when I am with you
down the path of confusion
Quietly, pleading, screaming
I still laced up & ran….
Every time…
I look back at that girl
that broken spirit
Shattered, burdened, dissolving
I don’t judge her, but I still wonder
Why so long did I wait
Weary, challenged, spent
but still I kept going…
Admist it all, I kept surging forward
Crumbling but still intact
Days, months, years it took
The grasp of freedom I took hold
the grip of peace encircled my heart
Longing, hope & finally acceptance
I will not go back….I am free
~for better or worse
the guilt of relenting
~in sickness & in health
what about boundaries & safety
~there’s a light
sobriety
~the damage has been done
but the guilt of not knowing what I want
~the battle in my mind
~hides secretly in the shadows
I visualize that being yelled in a movie that “my person” watched & loved. I had often thought that was “his problem.” I am realizing that at this moment, it is mine. I read over my latest blog entry and I had penned, “the bricks have begun to fall, can I handle the truth.” As the healing has graciously come, it’s too much, it’s too evident, it’s too clear…
Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow, but I am being swallowed by my own truth & quite frankly, I don’t want to face it…
I’m consumed by guilt
yet shouldn’t be
The layers are slowly peeled back & discarded
but the sting is unbearable
The healing is there
the freedom just waiting
But I can’t bear to face it
I am breaking
this is far from freedom
Someone please wake me up
i look Out i see the darkness i wonder what it would be like to just step out into that darkness to be weighted down in a different way to...
