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i look Out
i see the darkness
i wonder what it would be like to just step out into that darkness
to be weighted down in a different way
to let it all go
to submerse myself underneath where nothing could reach me anymore
not the voices, not the aches, not the guilt, not the regrets
it would all just wash away
& sink within me
hide me in a place where i only hear the whispers of the wind…
secure my arms around myself where no aches can enter my bones…
flood my soul with peace that battles the despair…
quiet my mind that stirs at the mention…
breathe into me the answers i've been after...
surround me with the light & shut out the darkness…
Slow and steady, wins the race, that’s the age old tale we’ve grown up and heard often…
Obviously, that did not take affect in my brain…
I travel around, like the rabbit, constant…
Constantly seeking…
Constantly seeking answers…
constantly seeking change…
Change would come, but it was short-lived.
I had these grandiose visions that I felt one day would come to fruition if I just could hurry up and fix it all.
Each time I would jump in and fix what I could, and when I could, I would keep on moving, keep on running, constant…
This entire time something has been pressing me to slow down
Slow and steady will run that race Jill…
Slow and steady will keep you grounded…
Slow and steady…
It will show you your truth.
I refused to take on the role of the turtle
Slow and steady…
I kept looking back. I kept ignoring the script and jumped ahead as fast as I could.
Rather than the slow and steady of the turtle, I took on the shell of the turtle.
I would pull myself in.
I would isolate each time that I felt I couldn’t breathe.
I would pause for a “minute” come up for air and switch to the role of the rabbit.
I would pull myself inside of that shell and hide every chance that I got,
The more time that went on I recognized my own pattern.
Hide it all, store everything in that shell…
where no one can see it…
no one can see the real you…
no one can judge you or hurt you or get to you. & let no one love you because in the end, they will abandon you…
Inside that shell I stored anger, bitterness, and rage. I would retreat to the quiet, but I would continue to be filled with all of these emotions. The peace, the calm, the flow would not come to me.
What am I looking for
What are the facts
What am I missing
What do I want
I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
The facts are clear as day
Present in front of me
Like hammers pounding my soul
& smashing my heart
The pieces continue to fly around me
& destroy any sense of peace I have
I’m missing a piece of my soul
A piece of my being that was torn away slowly
Over time
Into a million pieces
It’s impossible to put it back together
I want out
I want to escape
I want to leave
I want to not hurt anymore
I want it all to stop
The reminders
The memories
The constant blurs that flash before me
The yellow door… The yellow door that beckoned me, the yellow door that waited for me… The yellow door that anticipated my arrival…
Inside was a place of quiet… Of calm… Of peace…
I don’t know exactly what I’ve been looking for on this journey… My journey has been too long… I’ve constantly sought the answers and ran from them… I’ve constantly sought for peace and joy and found it along the way, but nothing could cover up the immense grief that I felt in my bones.
The grief of losing everything, when I say everything, I must not neglect to remind you that I have seven beautiful children.
But the grief of a love of a lifetime. It was like a slow and pending death, that still hangs on to this day. It’s like a ghost, wavering above my body, outside of my body, around my body. It will not leave. It is unrelenting.
I see him for what he is. & I am just so incredibly sad. The anger still rises when he talks, but the emotion that overwhelms me is sadness.
Sadness for what he misses. Sadness for what he fails to understand could’ve been the love of a lifetime, the ride of his life, the testimony that would reach others
He kept choosing “it.”
“It” was more important than anything.
“It” was more important than any of us.
“It” was more important than the fight, the fight for true unconditional love.
But he could not receive that devotion, he could not feel that affection, because “It” consumed him. I couldn’t understand why.
As I deal with my own addictions and my own demons, my own understanding is more clear But it still rocks me to my core. It still stabs me in the heart consistently and reminds me daily of what he continued to choose. Not me, not us. Why couldn’t he have just chosen us.
As I get ready to start my day today, I refuse to go home the same person. I refuse to continue to wallow in self pity . I refuse to continue to bury every emotion for fear of it will kill me.
I want to be free. I cannot see that freedom. I cannot visualize that freedom. I cannot taste that freedom. I will not lie to you, the freedom that I so desperately seek seems lost.
This hole I don’t think will ever be filled. I feel so alone in that. I want to heal, I want to be okay. I want to experience joy and peace, but I feel that it is literally impossible.
He was my everything. He abandoned me over and over and over and I allowed it. What am I so afraid of. I’ll break? That I won’t survive? Yes…
When I walk back into my own reality, I am overwhelmed. When I am silent and in solitude, I am okay. How do I find the middle ground…
Apparently not nine…
How many people can be placed in one’s life to show me the answers
Not enough…
How many books can one read to absorb what the voices scream at me daily
Not one…
How long can one continue to scroll to help remove the penetrating thoughts
Until I fall asleep…
How many times can god keep holding on
I’m not sure….
How much time is needed to utter the words, this too shall pass…
Never enough…
How much drama can one stir up inside their own soul
Just enough…
Just enough, to send you to the edge
But not fully…
Never enough, to fully let yourself go…
I’m not sure what god is to me…
Until I fall asleep, I am at war within my bones…
Not one memory will leave my side…
Not enough to comfort me in the way I desperately need…
❤️🩹nine~the ebb & flow of life, a completion, not a final ending…
~how many times have you “let it go”
More than I can count
~how many times did you snatch it back
Too many
~did he walk away
Yes
~did he abandon you for another
More than once
~did his hands fall upon you in a destructive way
Yes
~did his words cut you in half
~did you stay
I did but he promised he would change
~did he keep that promise
No
~why did you stay
I believed in love
His love, our love
We would be a testimony
~how did that work out for you
He destroyed me
He destroyed our marriage
He destroyed our family
~did he look back
No but I did
He pulled me back in
He was the puppeteer
~does he carry the guilt
Possibly
But yet I am consumed with the guilt he should bear
~why is that
I do not know
I am entangled
~you need to let go
I don’t know how
It will swallow me whole
~what will jill
The grief
i look Out i see the darkness i wonder what it would be like to just step out into that darkness to be weighted down in a different way to...
