Again

Everyone wants to believe in something

A person, a higher power, themselves

What happens when that “something”  abandons them

Shakes their bones, puts out their light, crushes their soul

Not just once, but continuously 

At a perpetual speed that leaves you feeling as if you’re in the full blown fuckin twilight zone

What then?

Have you been in this place

Do I walk this path alone

Am I permitted to speak or drown in my silence

You view the experience through so many different lenses

You begin to question reality

How could this ultimately be a continuance & not yet this unfulfilled prophecy

“The story isn’t over” are the words you’ve been told but there are no actions to back them up

They fall on deaf ears as the patterns emerge again & again & again

Meanwhile you’re expected to keep moving, continue to press through the walls that you have still failed to break down

Why is that

Do you ever wonder

Truly what is the right answer, it slips through my fingers like sand

Just when I feel I’ve grasped it 

it slips out of my control 

Again & again & again

Hiding

~ Followed my intuition and came here instead….

I don’t know why I have been over the top emotional lately. Nobody tells you that there’s stages of grief, or I should say continuous stages of grief that just swallow you whole & overwhelm you all in one sitting…

I feel like I should warn someone. Your heart will break over and over again. Just when you think you’re okay, you realize you’re not. 

You begin to understand that there are one million pent-up emotions inside of you that are begging you to open the door and let them out. I personally, have stored them for so long. 

You can’t quite figure out how. It’s all part of the cycle, I fully believe, this is a part of life. 

& so many of us walk through this blindly with no realization at the moment…

yet we hide behind these doors, behind these walls, behind our skin, behind our heart and soul. We hide from ourselves. This giant, these giants, are myself. 

& I’m afraid, terrified really,  if I let them go that I won’t be okay.  I am afraid if I let them go that I will fall into a deep darkness that I will not be able to climb out of.  

They’re like leeches. Most cling to me until I am bone dry. Until I am so angry that I can’t contain my emotions. Until I am so sad that I contemplate life in general.  

They have this way of ruling your entire being.

& I allow it. I have continued to allow it.  I let it happen. Just like I let so much happen in the past.  It infuriates me that I have forgotten who I am & that my vision is cloudy yet again due to the circumstances of one…

This day

 

This day….

I feel it all

The heaviness, the burden, the pressure

The force slams me to the floor

This day…

Monotone

I am on auto pilot

It’s all a blur

My soul escapes through my pores

I am unaware

This day…

Is Joy

I feel triumphant

The acceleration of happiness flows through me

It’s as if I finally have won the battle between my mind & my soul

Fleeting yet solid in my bones

This day…

Is ordinary

A dream, some might say 

But then I wake up

The horrific sorrow looms over my head, like a cloud

This day…

Will be different

Because I have to make a choice

I cannot stay here forever

Regardless of the ties that bind me

Each day…

Is a new step

Leading down a path I did not choose

But a road that I must travel from this day forward