to be free

 the sea calls to me

can you hear her

she is but a whisper 

that i’ve ignored

i hear her today

do you

she pleads with me to swim out to her

i’m still afraid

what holds me back i’ve yet to understand

her voice is soothing yet so faint

the stillness makes me uncomfortable 

yet it calms my soul

if I would just allow it

she silently screams the freedom i desire

yet I’m still unwillingly to accept

maybe tomorrow…

rebirth

almost two years ago, i claimed rebirth

i have faltered considerably over those years

rebirth to me seemed easy, effortless

after all i had overcome so much already

but to my dismay the roots were still embedded in my being

twisted deeper as i neglected to abandon my past

i was stuck, grounded in my past

in the future that i mercilessly prayed for

i was relentless to hold onto something that had been long gone 

and i could not accept it, i still don't know if i can or if i ever will

broken

i allowed myself to get so embedded & meshed with someone else

when I pulled away

 i broke

i fell apart...

i put everything i had into my other half

not myself

but him...

The love I poured into his soul seeped out of my pores at such an intense speed

i became weak  

i could not stand alone

i could not stand without him...

as i broke, i wanted him to fill my cracks

to seal them shut

he could not 

he didn't have the capacity because he was far too broken himself...

over time my love poured out unconditionally

i continued to pick up those broken pieces & hide them away

quickly & quietly... 

I gathered them with such grace 

as to not shatter them further 

& gently closed the box...

the box stayed shut for over 20 years

Nothing was subtle, it was always grandiose

relentlessly i would gather the pieces again to no avail

my soul would shatter at such intense levels

i was numb to the pain