The mountain I climb

Questioning all that’s within me

Searching my soul

Coming up empty

The answers aren’t here

They aren’t ready

They aren’t needed

The distractions must disappear

You must move forward with confidence 

But I need to know

At what expense

At what cost

In what realm does it matter

Mine….

Naivety has always been my best friend

The quiet comfort

Yet the screaming ensued

I closed the doors

Oh how I slammed those doors

But the truth kept oozing out

It continued to play cat & mouse

I couldn’t run fast enough

I still can’t escape 

It’s a revolving door and I can’t break free

I find the healing detrimental 

Yet it exposes my soul

It leaves me raw and bleeding

But yet a peace is supposed to wash over me

Where are you peace

You’ve taken the whispers 

The screams have come back

I can’t shut them out

They’re constant reminders 

The walls have caved in

The bricks have begun to fall

Can I handle the truth

This mountain I climb

Will I reach the top 

At loss

 It wasn’t supposed to be this way

As okay as I am today, it still hurts

As much as I needed the solitude I am reminded in doses this morning of what we’ve lost 

These invisible forces stir up a storm in my soul

The source

Like a river it streams down my face

As warm as a blanket it hides in the shelter

As cold as the ice it slips away

The snap of a memory it presses its way back in

The shatter of the glass slips right through my fingers

The turn of a page it bleeds out through the pen

The screams out of my mouth hit others like arrows

Piercing their innocent hearts

The rubber bands snapping against my skin

Remind me of the sting of his words

The slam of a door cracks me in half

The thought of him leaving angers my soul

The sobriety turns the next page in his book

But leaves me hostile with the ache of the memories

the battle rages on

 

the battle ensues...

so often i had the mentality if i could just get through this stage, this season, this episode, it would be well

i was a fool, loyalty or stupidity, therin lies the mystery

i have spent the last two years swimming upstream against a current i could not master

i fought, i struggled, i questioned, i reasoned, i listened, i ignored, i begged, i pleaded

my words were void

my prayers were empty

my hopes diminished

finally i have arrived again at a crossroads, the journey looks no different this time, yet i am different

many paths could be taken, there are no guarantees, there are no promises, there is hope, yet it is fleeting because we have been in this exact place

the more i dig, the more i see

the more i remember, i'm pulled backwards to thoughts of despair, pain & brokenness 

do i risk dying on that hill all over again, do i betray myself in the process, is that what it would be considered

the angst bubbles up and seeps into my pores as i contemplate the finale of having to make a choice

the anger surfaces much too often as i'm reminded what i climbed out of to even consider moving forward yet again

the grief overwhelms me if i choose myself

beauty from ashes, a different story

 these sunflowers represent "beauty from ashes, at least they did when I first planted them

this "dirt pile" was a fire pit at one time

a fire pit my "person" had created

it was a project he threw himself into, to help his recovery 

it was a process & he transformed our front yard

it was temporary but at the time it was beautiful

so beautiful it broke my heart because I knew the struggle for him to get to that point

so beautiful because he was Tony again, we were a family again, he was constant & present in our lives

I thought at that time God had given him this gift & this was our broken turned into beautiful

that was almost two years ago

time slipped away, the disease came back with a vengeance that no one was prepared for

time moved on, a tree fell into our yard, crashing that fire pit & the beauty it once held

much like our lives, it created havoc

myself, my children, we preceded to pick up the pieces, we burned them into the ground

I watched the ashes dissipate as the smoke rose

it was a healing process, unknown to me, that would be a continuous drawn out process

a few months back I decided to plant sunflowers in that pit

I was skeptical they would grow

but much to my amazement they did

two giant beautiful towering flowers grew out of that mess

it made me happy & gave me hope 

last week, storms raged throughout our area

they were not kind

one is still standing, but leaning considerably, the other is uprooted

I've hap hazardly tried to push it back in the ground, knowing full well I could just get a shovel and replant it 

but I'm tired, so very, very tired

for now, it continues to sit amidst the sun, struggling to rise, but it's still there in the midst of all the uncertainty 

I saw new beginnings

I saw sobriety

I saw the broken put back together

I saw hope

I saw Jeremiah 29:11 played out

I saw restoration

I saw completion

I saw healing of so many hurts

I saw the tears being dried up

I saw the beaten bones begin to dance

I saw serving the community based on our experiences & rebirth of souls

I saw our witness being born into others

I saw a future that was bright and full 

Full of love, joy & finally peace....

that's what I saw, then I awoke

Grief in the form of the end

 Who knew that grief could be a part of my life as a result of divorce...

I cannot fathom still, this loss

I will always have him in my life

I can never escape him

that for me, makes this unbearable at times

as a woman, as a faithful loyal wife of almost 24 years, as a mother that gave him seven beautiful, healthy children, this rocks my boat

it's either sink or swim baby

which path would you chose

many times I've found that I'm drowning while other times I am swimming for my life

I am engulfed under the weight of the failure, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the hate, the resentment, the bitterness, the list is endless

I am hovering against an ongoing current that seems relentless and won't let up

the shore is close but yet so far away

I come up for air but then I am swallowed by the waves

acceptance is near, but still out of reach

today I will sit with the anger 

tomorrow I will face the day yet again

hanging by a thread

 

Some days I don't know how I make it through.  This week, I have barely climbed out of them.  One foot in front of the other.  It's a never ending disaster of movement.  These emotions, I'm holding, at what point will i let go?  At what moment will the dam break?  Toxicity is real, narcissism is real, gaslighting is real, mental health instability is real, your brain being destroyed by alcoholism is real...

I ponder, does he get it?  Does he really understand the depth of destruction he has created.  Does he fully comprehend the heartbreak i feel?  Does he care about my stability?  At what point do the tables turn and the question being asked points in my direction?  

This is the twilight zone, the full blown fuckin twilight zone.  There is no awakening.  There is no continuing.  The door is revolving.  It continues to spin on, with or without me.  

Vulnerability

 

My husband filed for divorce.  I don't know why I was shocked. After a hellish two years and seperation of 8 months... I felt relief, one of us needed to do it, or did we.  I am going to be vulnerable here since this is mainly an outlet and not many read....

I am strong and confident once I find out on Sunday.  I finish cleaning out all his belongings and store them away in totes. I feel free, I feel bold.  I also feel angry.  My nervous energy flows through my house as I recreate, reorganize & purge any remains....

On Monday, I finish cleaning up the debris in my yard.  As I rake, I pray, I don't hold back and drop as many f bombs as i can, how ironic & messed up is that?!?!?!

I drive the rest of his things and deliver them to his carport.  I feel sneaky & anxious.

I receive the papers by certified mail, I want to burn them in the fire that's going....instead I read them and curse them.  I find two more barrels and shove them in my car and head back to deliver them into his parents carport where he resides. 

I am strong.  Weights are lifted and removed that have been crushing me.  I feel free and relieved.  I feel anxious, but spun up on energy, not sure of the source...

Tuesday morning, the tables turn a bit.  There is a death of a friend, a suicide, which spins him in a frenzy. I spin back into my codependent ways.  I search, I worry, I message.  His vulnerability pulls me in...

We are like E.T. & Elliot, we can't survive without the other, it's a sickness.  & some days it's too much...

Today

Today I feel like I am in a hospital room

i see the one I love in front of me

but there is nothing more I can do, I am visibly aware of that 

i am searching for answers, asking questions, trying to convince anyone that there is still hope

trying to convince my loved one to hang on just a bit more

the warning signals are going off

the screens are flashing red

it doesn't matter what i do, they won't stop

No one will listen to me

i'm drowning, literally my heart is broken

how does anyone move on after this

i cannot accept what is

i will not accept what has come to be

how did we get here, how did it go this far

doesn't he see

doesn't he see the hope, the fight, the strength

don't i matter enough to continue to hang on

why is there opposition, why is there such hate

i am strong, i have fought the fight, but have not won the race

for what purpose, what was the intent of this wasted time

only true devastation, shattering heartbreak

Heavy

My heart is heavy today

I have to admit its been heavy for a while

What does heavy look like

What does heavy feel like

For me, it feels like I can't breath

an overwhelming tightness

It feels like I am underwater 

I can't reach up to pull myself out from the depth

It feels like loss

like devastating uncontrollable loss

It feels like a death

like a vanishing and they aren't coming back

It swirls above my head like a tornado

it tears across my soul and rips my heart apart

I don't want to sit with this

I don't want to feel this

But I am forced to

It won't go away

Regardless of decisions made

or things left open

there will always be a heaviness

it's unavoidable

 

~this morning, God broke my heart right open.  I have been struggling with my faith for the last two years, due to the events of my life that have spiraled out of control.  It has made me angry, bitter, resentful, desperate for answers that I was not receiving & extremely heartbroken.  I questioned everything. I still am questioning everything.  I am powerless. I have come to realize this over the years, especially in the last six months.  I don't like it.  I have always had this innate desire for control.  When my life was spinning out of control, I went with it.  I couldn't and still battle, with how to let it go, how to let God have it, completely.  I always managed to snatch it back.  

Even in my struggles, I know in my core that He is there.  Even in my desperation, He is there.  I believe that He will meet me anywhere.  He has proven time and time again that He is faithful, and He doesn't need to prove anything!

I walked into this chapel this morning.  I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it.  After growing up here, I honestly don't think I have set foot in this place.  Today, I did.  As I entered in, I was even more confident in my "journey" of finding my God.  

I prayed...

I cried...

I begged...

I pleaded...

I released...

I sang...

As I walked out, I slowly prayed myself, my family & my husband out...

At this moment, I can control what I do with my sadness.  I can let it swallow me whole & choke the life out of me, but this morning, I chose to give it to God, yet again and trust that He will guide me out.

& even if, EVEN IF, He doesn't give me the answers I so desperately want and need

 even if, He doesn't' "do what I want..."

I know that He will give me the strength to continue to move forward and not collapse under the overwhelming weight of it all...

Clarity

 I found that clarity comes for me at such random times.  I have devoted much time to recommuning with God & then "falling off the wagon" way more often than I care to admit.

But this week, I started back to my morning walks.  I live across the street from a beautiful forest.  There is a path that I have walked many times.  I call it my "god path"  

It has become a stomping ground for getting out unwanted emotions & feelings.  

It has become a safe haven where I can scream, cry, converse & unload whatever is necessary.  

It has become a saving grace for me.....

Today, I decided to capture a few pictures that meant something significant to me.  First, the path itself...for I am thrown back to the poem of Robert Frost, "who's woods these are, I think i know..."  These woods, these trees, this sky, the well beaten path, has heard my inner most thoughts, my deepest darkest secrets, my confessions of fear & hate, the experiences of strength, hope & despair.  For that I am thankful....

The cows, I have always been fascinated by their nature.  They stopped and stared at me for awhile.  They make me laugh & I question their thoughts.  For while they might appear alone, in solitude, they are not.  They are surrounded by beauty, by each other & by a master(that is in the shadows).  They are taken care of with little to no effort.  I feel that I can relate to these cows, as bizarre as that may sound.  There have been many times in the last year that I have felt completely alone.  But I wasn't.  I was surrounded by beauty, by others & by a master(God, that was in the shadows).  

The sun, do you see it?  It is hiding, desperate to rise above....

For me, that spoke volumes this morning.  On this day, I feel that I am the sun, desperate to rise above.  For so long, I stayed hidden, peeking out, only when necessary.  I was concerned with what might be thought of me, I was terrified of the outcome of my decisions and always relied on others for help or answers.  But now, but God....

I am strong.  I am confident.  I am enough.  I am secure & whole.  I am all that I should ever need.