~this morning, God broke my heart right open.  I have been struggling with my faith for the last two years, due to the events of my life that have spiraled out of control.  It has made me angry, bitter, resentful, desperate for answers that I was not receiving & extremely heartbroken.  I questioned everything. I still am questioning everything.  I am powerless. I have come to realize this over the years, especially in the last six months.  I don't like it.  I have always had this innate desire for control.  When my life was spinning out of control, I went with it.  I couldn't and still battle, with how to let it go, how to let God have it, completely.  I always managed to snatch it back.  

Even in my struggles, I know in my core that He is there.  Even in my desperation, He is there.  I believe that He will meet me anywhere.  He has proven time and time again that He is faithful, and He doesn't need to prove anything!

I walked into this chapel this morning.  I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it.  After growing up here, I honestly don't think I have set foot in this place.  Today, I did.  As I entered in, I was even more confident in my "journey" of finding my God.  

I prayed...

I cried...

I begged...

I pleaded...

I released...

I sang...

As I walked out, I slowly prayed myself, my family & my husband out...

At this moment, I can control what I do with my sadness.  I can let it swallow me whole & choke the life out of me, but this morning, I chose to give it to God, yet again and trust that He will guide me out.

& even if, EVEN IF, He doesn't give me the answers I so desperately want and need

 even if, He doesn't' "do what I want..."

I know that He will give me the strength to continue to move forward and not collapse under the overwhelming weight of it all...

Clarity

 I found that clarity comes for me at such random times.  I have devoted much time to recommuning with God & then "falling off the wagon" way more often than I care to admit.

But this week, I started back to my morning walks.  I live across the street from a beautiful forest.  There is a path that I have walked many times.  I call it my "god path"  

It has become a stomping ground for getting out unwanted emotions & feelings.  

It has become a safe haven where I can scream, cry, converse & unload whatever is necessary.  

It has become a saving grace for me.....

Today, I decided to capture a few pictures that meant something significant to me.  First, the path itself...for I am thrown back to the poem of Robert Frost, "who's woods these are, I think i know..."  These woods, these trees, this sky, the well beaten path, has heard my inner most thoughts, my deepest darkest secrets, my confessions of fear & hate, the experiences of strength, hope & despair.  For that I am thankful....

The cows, I have always been fascinated by their nature.  They stopped and stared at me for awhile.  They make me laugh & I question their thoughts.  For while they might appear alone, in solitude, they are not.  They are surrounded by beauty, by each other & by a master(that is in the shadows).  They are taken care of with little to no effort.  I feel that I can relate to these cows, as bizarre as that may sound.  There have been many times in the last year that I have felt completely alone.  But I wasn't.  I was surrounded by beauty, by others & by a master(God, that was in the shadows).  

The sun, do you see it?  It is hiding, desperate to rise above....

For me, that spoke volumes this morning.  On this day, I feel that I am the sun, desperate to rise above.  For so long, I stayed hidden, peeking out, only when necessary.  I was concerned with what might be thought of me, I was terrified of the outcome of my decisions and always relied on others for help or answers.  But now, but God....

I am strong.  I am confident.  I am enough.  I am secure & whole.  I am all that I should ever need.