& just fits

 I laugh uncontrollably

What is this

A new feeling 

A feeling of freedom

A release of the old

An inhale of what’s to come

It flashes in movie screen format

Almost too good to be true

But I recognize the tenderness

The will to hold on 

His quiet stance in the background

My happy ending

My box of desires wrapped up in a beautiful presentation

A presentation of what should be

What is real

What is genuine 

What is supposed to be

Love that doesn’t fix

Love that doesn’t overpower

Love that doesn’t leave

Love that stays

Love that speaks, don’t give up

Love that walks beside me

Love that falls into place & just fits

Normal

 

What is normal? 

The story I lived was not normal 

It’s all part of the healing process 

But yet I don’t know if I should be filled with rage or if I should be grateful I got out 

When you realize how wrong things were you question everything about yourself 

How could I not have that self-love/self respect for myself? 

Why did I feel like I wasn’t worthy of  so much more or just any sense of normalcy? 

Why did I feel like that was okay

The doors that were slammed, the glass that was shattered, the skin that was torn, the body that was bruised, the heart that was broken, why was that my normal for so long??? 

Why did it take so long for me to climb out of that pit??

There’s no such thing as normal 

But realizing that you are a person

that deserves to be loved, adored, taken care of 

But yet you let yourself be broken down, shattered, abandoned 

Why? 

the early november

My soul is overwhelmed 

His words have a way of comfort to my bones 

His touch guides me along when I don’t feel seen 

He sees me 

I’m like a painting that he explores

Methodically he covers each corner

 

His hands delicately open me up 

His mouth by way of words, makes me feel loved again 

His mouth by way of touch, makes me feel desirable 

These emotions swirl inside my body 

But he puts them at ease

He sees me, he is comfort

so I sit

 Why is it when you should feel happiness & acceptance there’s a roadblock 

Myself

Is that based on my nature? 

Is that based on my past? 

Do I not deserve it? 

Why can I not accept it…

Why is it so hard for me to push out this 

feeling of guilt

my mind knows it needs to go

This has had a hold on me long enough 

Joy, contentment, happiness, peace 

Those words sit uncomfortably in my body 

My heart is overwhelmed with the rush of the new 

My brain gets clogged with the rush of the shifting thoughts

All the overthinking, the questioning, becomes a challenge

The physical feelings in my body unnerve me 

So I sit

I sit with these feelings

I acknowledge these feelings 

I continue to move 

& just breathe through the tangled thoughts that flood my soul

Closure

It’s hard to close the door

& open another one 

There’s so much resistance to that closure 

Yet there’s so much freedom with opening 

But it still runs the risk of breaking your heart into pieces 

Either way that you swing that door

You know it’s time 

Yet even the slightest bit of resistance makes you second-guess everything 

Even that negativity, that toxic pull, those memories that sit behind the exit you so desperately need to close 

But yet the freedom of the open entryway is beckoning 

Screaming at you 

to just let it go Jill

To just be open & receptive to what is waiting beyond that opening 

It’s okay to walk through and shut the old one. 

It’s not your fault that you’re having to close the door behind you 

Don’t be afraid to step into this newness

Don’t be afraid to just move forward and not look back 

You’re ready, you don’t have to convince yourself anymore

you just need to let go and feel that freedom 

Let the weight and the shackles of what’s behind you be completely removed 

Let them sink

You are safe

Close the door 

Exit the pain 

Move forward in freedom

It’s time

 

Out of control

Out of control

As I sit here & watch the flames spiral through this glass I’m reminded

Out. of. control. 

Those three words sit in my gut

The flames leap & swirl

The intensity of escaping the jar is prevalent

If closer to something they would latch on & destroy

Yet nothing is near

The flame just died

Just like that

All of the madness of the fire raging in that tiny jar 

Just poof

Gone in an instant

All that is left is the dark

The cinged smell of ash

The jar contained the flame for a while

As it grew it began to dance inside

Yet this wasn’t a waltz but a rave

The flames spun out of control

Grasping for something anything near 

But the glass prohibited the flames to spread 

My mind is like that

Contained

Yet so much is swirling inside grasping for the truths 

Any truth, any sense of substance that I can latch onto

The flames hover, waiting

When there is nothing

Poof

I am silenced

Out.of.control.

Into the wilderness

 

Broken is everywhere. It’s in nature, it’s in our hearts, in our souls. It’s in our homes, our faith & our beliefs. 

But yet the forest never stops. 

It keeps moving, keeps growing, keeps supplying. 

& without mans strength. 

It stands alone. It stands solid. 

It stands strong & firm. 

Unwavering & in its wake, it breaks. 

But no one hears it, no one bandages it, no one runs behind and picks up the pieces. 

It’s left there to fend for itself, to figure it out.  

The simplicity is the forest just is... 

Acceptance

 

I seek out the different, because that is the truest true

There’s something real about those that are different

I’ve come to find out that I am one of those different ones.

I used to stay enclosed, because I didn’t want to let out my full self.

It took me 30 years to find clarity. 

30 years to find the answers that I desperately sought for. 

30 years, closing my eyes and holding my breath. 

30 years of deep sorrow, extreme joy, and horrific heartache.  

30 years to be reminded of all the good, the bad and the ugly 

30 years to be blessed with all the triumphs, joys, and celebrations. 

30 years of the ins & outs, the ups and downs, the roller coaster of my so-called life. 

30 years of thinking that there would be results, that there would be a story book ending, that the movie credits would appear &  there would be applause.  

30 years of believing in God. 

30 years of false hope. 

30 years of climbing that mountain, gear in place, only to be let down again & again. 

30 years of having a vision of redemption, restoration, reconciliation. 

Less than a year for your life to become completely uprooted

Less than a year for someone you’ve known and loved over half your life to become a complete stranger

Less than a year for the answers to become more clear and solid

Less than a year of continuously, trying to make sense of it all

Less than a year, searching and begging for that peace to come quickly

Less than a year for acceptance to surface