Free as bird 🕊

 I’ve always wanted a tattoo of birds like this. It started with the thought of seven birds around my shoulder, arm or wrist. As a representation of seven children fleeing the coop. 

But then I saw this picture. 

A tatoo, I believe can have many meetings wrapped up in one. Will I actually ever get one, not sure. I’ve been extremely chicken and have no pain tolerance, even after seven kids! But the symbolism of freedom that I see here in this photo, speaks volumes to me. 

There is so much of me that has been contained over the years and has longed to be free. Now, I am not one that is in severe distress, but mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, I need freedom.

Freedom from the guilt. The guilt of doing the wrong thing, not doing enough, not trying hard enough, not being a good enough wife to keep him sober. Not being a good enough mom to shelter them from chaos. 

Freedom from control. I will be the first to tell you I’m a control freak. I want things in order. I like to know what’s going on and have a plan. And lately I’ve lost all sense of control. It is a terrifying feeling really.

The freedom to be happy. I have been on a consistent roller coaster of unknowns over the last few years. Whether to be happy, or sad, or angry. The stability of my life, my marriage, my family, my children. Whether to stay or flee, whether to trust or question. Whether to believe and accept the outcome, or deny it.

I want to be free...my soul longs to be free🕊

Get it out

I seriously debated about writing tonight…

    the whole reason I started this blog was to get it out

    to get it out of my system

    to let the feelings flow

    to not hold them in anymore

    to have a voice

    to have the freedom to allow those feelings to escape my body

My house resembles my mental state… 

Each night I come home, I see the clutter, I see the mess, and I see the challenges…

I want to take a moment and clean it all up… But I don’t, the look of it all is overwhelming, as the weight of it all is overwhelming…

It’s a constant reminder that I can’t keep up…

I can’t keep up with the physical work of it all nor the mental work of it all…

I’m reminded that I can do better, that I should do better, why did I let it get like this?

~The chaos of it all, is insanity

~The work it will take to deliver what’s promised is at times excruciating

~~For such a time is this

Exhaustion

Exhaustion creeps in

So quickly it hits like a freight train

All the balls are waiting to drop 

Slowly they come then faster

I wonder if I'm imagining all this

Reality screams at me

I wake up strong, determined and confident

I close down the day feeling the weight of it all

Not understanding why I am experiencing all the "karma"

While he is able to flee and escape

It's a shitshow and he has a front row ticket

My mind runs rampant with the thoughts he has as he silently controls the puppet...