Wash over me

The waves wash over me

A time of stillness

Slow yet steady

I can feel it

The release

Methodically, intermittently the pressure comes & goes

The waves of pain flow through 

Different channels they take

Yet I physically feel it move as I rest

The stillness is uncomfortable

It’s a struggle to relax

But the process of these waves being released

Although temporary 

Leaves me with a different sense of peace…

No longer

i close the door

on you

on your sadness 

on your words

i close the door

to your professions

to your promises

to your apologies 

i close the door

on the thoughts

on the voices

on the fears

i close the door

to the heaviness

to the walls built

to the brokenness 

i close the door

on my self sabotage 

on the guilt I store 

on feeling responsible for you 

& the destruction

i am not yours

i am me

i no longer am controlled by the strings of the puppeteer

I am slamming the door

there is no longer a key…

 

Yet again

 

~Sitting in the closet while eating lil debbie Christmas tree cakes while your children are snoring & nestled in their borrowed beds

~taking a breath on your Christmas excursion with the littles while establishing a new tradition in hopes of overcoming your hatred of “Christmas”

~deciding to type out a “grown up Christmas list” yet speaking out your truths instead

~realizing that no god nor santa nor miracle will help you overcome the deep darkness that covers your eyes this time of year

~accepting that the only battle you’re fighting is the one within yourself

~realizing that the ”fight” is over but yet you’re still swinging

~being blind to the true feelings that are surrounding you but they feel foreign so you put up all your defenses

~unwilling to accept, embrace & relax, so you begin to sabatage the good that may come 

~yet here you are, in this place, at what cost & at what loss are you willing to feel

~the past or your future

~can you open my eyes & pull me out of this twilight zone 

~you being me