No words....no answers

I have no words, I have no answers...
I have been looking everywhere, except inside myself...
My heart is broken, but not for myself, for my children...
For what they have to endure & the thoughts & questions that they will have to live with regardless of the outcome...
I want to go into my bathroom and swallow every pill imaginable and go to sleep...
But i can't,  I have to be strong, for them 

Engulfed...

I've never known what it felt like not to shower for days....
I feel engulfed in the waves of chaos....
I feel like I can't catch a breath...
I hear all the advice around me and it swirls like a devastating tornado....
I dont know how I feel, what I think, what I want anymore....
I am always searching for answers.  I want somebody to tell me what to do....
I want to hide and bury myself away until it's over, all of it....
I have to be strong and deal with everyone else's emotions while I can't even deal with my own...

I let go....

 I let go... I felt safe... I felt that I had the ability to let my brokenness be exposed...

He was whole... He was restored... He was no longer broken...

I was angry... I was jealous... I wanted freedom...

He was peaceful... He was healed... He was free...

We let go... We felt safe... We felt that we had the ability to let our Brokenness be exposed...

He drifted... Slowly yet quickly... In the blink of an eye ... he lost the battle...

It is my fault... I pushed too much... I was feeling vulnerable... I let down my guard... I exchanged my safety for trust... Trust that got broken... By man and God Alone...

Little did i know...

Little did I know my thoughts would catch up with me....

Little did i know I couldn't hide forever.....

Little did I know that all those suppressed emotions would come to surface.....

Little did i know that at some point I was going to have to deal with them......

Little did I know that it would take me into treacherous waters.....

Little did i know that no matter how busy i kept myself, they would bubble over.....

Little did i know it would put me in a dangerous place.....

Little did I know that no one could fix me......

Little did i know that darkness could envelope me away regardless of my faith.....

Little did I know that people can see right through you.....

Little did i know that even with God you can still feel incredibly hopeless.....

     I get it.  I truly do.  This being a season of climbing suicide rates, one just recently here in our little community, regardless of age, race, sex, spiritual background, we are all at risk.  When one tends to push away the thoughts that suffocate them, the mind that constantly races, the energy that needs to be stilled, that one slowly falls into his/her own trap.  They feel desperate, they feel guilt, they feel weak, even though He is stronger.  They feel hopeless, they feel discouraged,  they feel angry, even though He is stronger.  

He has the ability to reach us.  He has the ability to calm us.  He has the ability to "fix" us.  He has the ability to rescue us, but if we won't let Him, where does that leave us?  

     

While the journey is long.....

It has been 80 days since my husband decided to surrender His will to God.  It has been 80 days since my husband decided to give in and let go.  It has been 80 days since my husband left our home for healing, true healing that man can not give, only God.  It has been 80 days since i got out of the way for the first and the last time.  It has been 80 days since God, My God, and only God saved my husband's life, our family and our marriage.  It has been 80 days since our lives have been turned upside down.  It has been 80 days of a journey that I have struggled to walk through yet God has shown me show much in this time. 

A journey is a long and difficult process of personal change and development.  Isn't that what life is about?  Yet we tend to fight it every step of the way.

this is our journey, this is my story, while it may be broken, it is beautiful, in a way that few will understand....