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The waves wash over me
A time of stillness
Slow yet steady
I can feel it
The release
Methodically, intermittently the pressure comes & goes
The waves of pain flow through
Different channels they take
Yet I physically feel it move as I rest
The stillness is uncomfortable
It’s a struggle to relax
But the process of these waves being released
Although temporary
Leaves me with a different sense of peace…
i close the door
on you
on your sadness
on your words
i close the door
to your professions
to your promises
to your apologies
i close the door
on the thoughts
on the voices
on the fears
i close the door
to the heaviness
to the walls built
to the brokenness
i close the door
on my self sabotage
on the guilt I store
on feeling responsible for you
& the destruction
i am not yours
i am me
i no longer am controlled by the strings of the puppeteer
I am slamming the door
there is no longer a key…
~Sitting in the closet while eating lil debbie Christmas tree cakes while your children are snoring & nestled in their borrowed beds
~taking a breath on your Christmas excursion with the littles while establishing a new tradition in hopes of overcoming your hatred of “Christmas”
~deciding to type out a “grown up Christmas list” yet speaking out your truths instead
~realizing that no god nor santa nor miracle will help you overcome the deep darkness that covers your eyes this time of year
~accepting that the only battle you’re fighting is the one within yourself
~realizing that the ”fight” is over but yet you’re still swinging
~being blind to the true feelings that are surrounding you but they feel foreign so you put up all your defenses
~unwilling to accept, embrace & relax, so you begin to sabatage the good that may come
~yet here you are, in this place, at what cost & at what loss are you willing to feel
~the past or your future
~can you open my eyes & pull me out of this twilight zone
~you being me
i firmly believe as of late, that my writing has left me trapped
it has left me stuck
stuck in a world that is no longer my reality
a world that would spin me out of control consistently
but yet it brought me comfort
Comfort, to have the chaos
to still hold a sense of control
even though i had none
it brought about grief
rage & anger
it has not been helpful
it has in fact been detrimental
the only way out for me is to release
to release the anger & rage that i have stored in my body for so long
the feelings that compound in my mind that i have sworn will dissipate as i write
the problem, they haven't
i have given them more power
more strength to live on in my mind
it's as if i am holding onto them
it's time to let go
it's time to release
just how will that happen i am not sure
by way of publishing this so called book would be the first step
my words out on paper, release from my very being and out into the world for someone to grasp onto as i once did
~a voice
to speak the truth that it is okay to struggle
it is okay to hang on for 30 years
it is okay to feel defeated and undone
it is okay for the results not to be as you were to have them
even though you did everything you were capable of
~the words
that transpire onto pages that open my eyes to see
that this life was not normal
while it was a beautiful one
it was filled with destruction
that created a division among souls
that suspended a battle that would never be won
that endured a life full of questions, broken promises
and left us with no answers or closure
we will rise out of the suffering
it will no longer define us
it will no longer have a pull or hold on us
it will no longer be the tie that binds
it was the unraveling of a perfect circle
that was never perfect to begin with
it spiraled out of control
the brokenness was made new by the unconditional love & strength of the very gifts that were given to me
The pull I feel
Terrifies me
The rage I feel
Spins me out of control
The hatred I feel
Squeezes my being
I want to do something
Anything to make you see
People like me
We’re supposed to let go
We’re supposed to walk away & be healed
But yet we’re tormented
Tormented by the continuation of chaos
That inflicts the entire family
The emotions that bleeds out of every single one of them falls heavily on my shoulders & transpires into my bones
Crushing me
Suffocating me
Making you win
You bring me down with you
Not knowingly but subconsciously
How do I resist that
How do I climb out of that
The wise old advice of boundaries
No contact
Healing, letting go
Is bullshit
You follow me like a shadow
You haunt me like a ghost
You’re alive & breathing heavily into my soul
Your presence spreads through me like fire
Explosive
They say it will get better but somehow it comes back around
There is no exit strategy
It’s a trap that seals your oxygen
That cuts you off from the outside world
No one can grasp the depth of the madness
That lives in your bones
It’s trapped inside
There are moments of escape
Those fleeting snippets are beautiful
But your reality smacks you back to the surface of your truth
You’ll carry this burden
It will prevent you from moving forward fully
It will destruct you in silent ways
It will keep you from others
It will sabotage new love
His plan all along
To hold you till you break
Till death do you part
Literally
~A disease
What my dear is your definition of a disease
Where everyday you fight a battle
That wages war on your soul
Tears the skin off your bones where you are no longer recognizable
~Alcoholism(destruction)
Where at some point you have a choice
Who are you???
A child who hasn’t learned right from wrong
An irresponsible fugitive that runs & flees from the responsibilities of life
~A disease
Where you have years or months or days to live
Where you have the love and support of your friends and family
A battle that you know will take your life NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO
~Alcoholism(destruction)
Where you cheat death time & time again
How have you survived!!!!
Where you drag every person down with you…regardless of the support & love they’ve given you…
you destroy them by your so called disease…
A battle that should have you behind bars but yet somehow you keep sneaking through those pearly gates…
Chances, how many chances
Blessings, how many blessings
Lives, how many lives
Apparently yours are unlimited as you destruct ours…
My reality is crowded right now
No one tells you that after 30 years with one person that you will continue to process this for the rest of your life, even though it has left you completely
No one tells you that even though this was needed, you needed to walk away, that the battle that you would fight the most is completely within yourself
That even though this is everything that you desire for a future, you are still hesitant, you still shield yourself from the heartbreak that may come along side of you one day
Rather than relax, embrace & accept that this is what you need…You still feel that you don’t deserve any of it, that somehow, you are not worthy of love that you have desired for years
So you shield it. You flee to the new but yet you come back to your own reality & you question everything again & again
Why is this, why do I feel alone in this, why do I feel like no one can fully understand the depths of the destruction that creates chaos & wreaks havoc on my mind…
Tonight I write
Today was rough
The unhealed holes in your soul have a way of finding the surface
They reel their ugly heads & thrive on clutching their claws deep inside of what you thought was patched up
Words are spoken
So quietly you replay them & feel it wasn’t real
You question yourself all over again
Words are written
They scream & leap off the page & gouge your eyes till you’re bleeding inside
Fuckin twilight zone that once was clear but now forces its way back inside your depths
The depths you fled & clawed yourself out of
Oh he’s good
It’s evident how he fucks with your mind
& still punctures your heart
Words scream
Words pierce
Words will flood your mind
& never end
Will you ever escape
Will you ever escape
What is this
A new feeling
A feeling of freedom
A release of the old
An inhale of what’s to come
It flashes in movie screen format
Almost too good to be true
But I recognize the tenderness
The will to hold on
His quiet stance in the background
My happy ending
My box of desires wrapped up in a beautiful presentation
A presentation of what should be
What is real
What is genuine
What is supposed to be
Love that doesn’t fix
Love that doesn’t overpower
Love that doesn’t leave
Love that stays
Love that speaks, don’t give up
Love that walks beside me
Love that falls into place & just fits
What is normal?
The story I lived was not normal
It’s all part of the healing process
But yet I don’t know if I should be filled with rage or if I should be grateful I got out
When you realize how wrong things were you question everything about yourself
How could I not have that self-love/self respect for myself?
Why did I feel like I wasn’t worthy of so much more or just any sense of normalcy?
Why did I feel like that was okay
The doors that were slammed, the glass that was shattered, the skin that was torn, the body that was bruised, the heart that was broken, why was that my normal for so long???
Why did it take so long for me to climb out of that pit??
There’s no such thing as normal
But realizing that you are a person
that deserves to be loved, adored, taken care of
But yet you let yourself be broken down, shattered, abandoned
Why?
My soul is overwhelmed
His words have a way of comfort to my bones
His touch guides me along when I don’t feel seen
He sees me
I’m like a painting that he explores
Methodically he covers each corner
His hands delicately open me up
His mouth by way of words, makes me feel loved again
His mouth by way of touch, makes me feel desirable
These emotions swirl inside my body
But he puts them at ease
He sees me, he is comfort
Why is it when you should feel happiness & acceptance there’s a roadblock
Myself
Is that based on my nature?
Is that based on my past?
Do I not deserve it?
Why can I not accept it…
Why is it so hard for me to push out this
feeling of guilt
my mind knows it needs to go
This has had a hold on me long enough
Joy, contentment, happiness, peace
Those words sit uncomfortably in my body
My heart is overwhelmed with the rush of the new
My brain gets clogged with the rush of the shifting thoughts
All the overthinking, the questioning, becomes a challenge
The physical feelings in my body unnerve me
So I sit
I sit with these feelings
I acknowledge these feelings
I continue to move
& just breathe through the tangled thoughts that flood my soul
It’s hard to close the door
& open another one
There’s so much resistance to that closure
Yet there’s so much freedom with opening
But it still runs the risk of breaking your heart into pieces
Either way that you swing that door
You know it’s time
Yet even the slightest bit of resistance makes you second-guess everything
Even that negativity, that toxic pull, those memories that sit behind the exit you so desperately need to close
But yet the freedom of the open entryway is beckoning
Screaming at you
to just let it go Jill
To just be open & receptive to what is waiting beyond that opening
It’s okay to walk through and shut the old one.
It’s not your fault that you’re having to close the door behind you
Don’t be afraid to step into this newness
Don’t be afraid to just move forward and not look back
You’re ready, you don’t have to convince yourself anymore
you just need to let go and feel that freedom
Let the weight and the shackles of what’s behind you be completely removed
Let them sink
You are safe
Close the door
Exit the pain
Move forward in freedom
It’s time
As I sit here & watch the flames spiral through this glass I’m reminded
Out. of. control.
Those three words sit in my gut
The flames leap & swirl
The intensity of escaping the jar is prevalent
If closer to something they would latch on & destroy
Yet nothing is near
The flame just died
Just like that
All of the madness of the fire raging in that tiny jar
Just poof
Gone in an instant
All that is left is the dark
The cinged smell of ash
The jar contained the flame for a while
As it grew it began to dance inside
Yet this wasn’t a waltz but a rave
The flames spun out of control
Grasping for something anything near
But the glass prohibited the flames to spread
My mind is like that
Contained
Yet so much is swirling inside grasping for the truths
Any truth, any sense of substance that I can latch onto
The flames hover, waiting
When there is nothing
Poof
I am silenced
Out.of.control.
Broken is everywhere. It’s in nature, it’s in our hearts, in our souls. It’s in our homes, our faith & our beliefs.
But yet the forest never stops.
It keeps moving, keeps growing, keeps supplying.
& without mans strength.
It stands alone. It stands solid.
It stands strong & firm.
Unwavering & in its wake, it breaks.
But no one hears it, no one bandages it, no one runs behind and picks up the pieces.
It’s left there to fend for itself, to figure it out.
The simplicity is the forest just is...
In the secret in the quiet place I am here. I am being forced to listen, but yet I am writing instead. I want to hear what needs to be ...
