Fairy tale nightmare

 

Why can’t I let go of him? 

He was my identity 

He was my happiness 

He controlled my emotions, he still does in a sense.  Meaning if he is upset or mad or distanced himself from me it hurts.  Bc I feel like I should be owed it all bc I am doing it all & how dare he be mad at me.   

His emotions were mine, I was happy. He was happy. I was sad if he was sad. His moods dictated my moods.  

I loved him unconditionally for years upon years regardless of what he put me through.  I had to beg for his love & fight my way through it to pull him back in.  To convince him that I was worthy, that I am worth the fight.  

It’s familiar to me 

If I completely severe ties, I won’t survive it 

I will fall apart without him being present in my life somehow 

It’s all I’ve known my entire life & to let it go, It’s like death, but he’s still living. 

He’s still living. There was no death, but there’s such grief, and that sliver of hope that’s projected is in the future, I look back in the review mirror, and I see the destruction, the total eruption of everything.  But rather than let go of the past and the future and live in the present I hang onto what is not here right now, in the moment, in the living. 

But that sliver of hope still dangles in front of me like a carrot for the rabbit at the end of the race instead of moving slowly like a turtle,  I run towards that sliver of hope.  

I keep moving in constant motion & eventually I will get the prize at the end and all the effort, begging, pleading loyalty, everything that I walked through,  everything that I wanted, everything that I asked for, everything that I thought was owed to me because I was faithful because I was loyal,  because I continued to fight the good fight and I walked alongside of him. I supported him I stayed with him, was all worth it

& if I choose not to chase after that sliver of hope then all of that was for nothing.  I failed.  I failed myself, I failed my children, I failed tony.  

I won’t be okay until the end scene of the script transcribes happily ever after

Which is out of reach and far fetched

It’s a fairy tale not reality

I am living a fairy tale nightmare…