Vulnerability

 

My husband filed for divorce.  I don't know why I was shocked. After a hellish two years and seperation of 8 months... I felt relief, one of us needed to do it, or did we.  I am going to be vulnerable here since this is mainly an outlet and not many read....

I am strong and confident once I find out on Sunday.  I finish cleaning out all his belongings and store them away in totes. I feel free, I feel bold.  I also feel angry.  My nervous energy flows through my house as I recreate, reorganize & purge any remains....

On Monday, I finish cleaning up the debris in my yard.  As I rake, I pray, I don't hold back and drop as many f bombs as i can, how ironic & messed up is that?!?!?!

I drive the rest of his things and deliver them to his carport.  I feel sneaky & anxious.

I receive the papers by certified mail, I want to burn them in the fire that's going....instead I read them and curse them.  I find two more barrels and shove them in my car and head back to deliver them into his parents carport where he resides. 

I am strong.  Weights are lifted and removed that have been crushing me.  I feel free and relieved.  I feel anxious, but spun up on energy, not sure of the source...

Tuesday morning, the tables turn a bit.  There is a death of a friend, a suicide, which spins him in a frenzy. I spin back into my codependent ways.  I search, I worry, I message.  His vulnerability pulls me in...

We are like E.T. & Elliot, we can't survive without the other, it's a sickness.  & some days it's too much...