~this morning, God broke my heart right open.  I have been struggling with my faith for the last two years, due to the events of my life that have spiraled out of control.  It has made me angry, bitter, resentful, desperate for answers that I was not receiving & extremely heartbroken.  I questioned everything. I still am questioning everything.  I am powerless. I have come to realize this over the years, especially in the last six months.  I don't like it.  I have always had this innate desire for control.  When my life was spinning out of control, I went with it.  I couldn't and still battle, with how to let it go, how to let God have it, completely.  I always managed to snatch it back.  

Even in my struggles, I know in my core that He is there.  Even in my desperation, He is there.  I believe that He will meet me anywhere.  He has proven time and time again that He is faithful, and He doesn't need to prove anything!

I walked into this chapel this morning.  I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it.  After growing up here, I honestly don't think I have set foot in this place.  Today, I did.  As I entered in, I was even more confident in my "journey" of finding my God.  

I prayed...

I cried...

I begged...

I pleaded...

I released...

I sang...

As I walked out, I slowly prayed myself, my family & my husband out...

At this moment, I can control what I do with my sadness.  I can let it swallow me whole & choke the life out of me, but this morning, I chose to give it to God, yet again and trust that He will guide me out.

& even if, EVEN IF, He doesn't give me the answers I so desperately want and need

 even if, He doesn't' "do what I want..."

I know that He will give me the strength to continue to move forward and not collapse under the overwhelming weight of it all...