Constant

You were my constant

You held onto me even when I let go 

I let go repeatedly 

But you still anchored me down 

The blows kept coming 

But you stayed 

You wouldn’t leave me 

No matter how hard I pushed, you held on 

My feelings for you stay constant 

Regardless of how many times I let you go 

I have never felt love like I had with you 

It was new, it was surreal, it was safe 

I let go

You weren’t supposed to let me

Fight against me

Fight against the current

Hold onto me

My heart breaks 

Daily 

It is my fault 

I let you go 

I knew the repercussions 

But I didn’t fully accept or believe them 

I thought I would be okay

But I’m truly not 

You were a significant part of me 

You loved me, the real me 

Now you drift away 

The anchor has been pulled up 

I fight against me 

I fight against the current 

& my soul screams

Too much

 She’s full of heart

She’ll freely give

But when it comes to acceptance 

She’ll push you away

She knows the drill

Dig deep you’ll see

She’s too much

You can’t handle her

Hell, she can’t even handle herself

She sees the depth

She confides in a select few

The ruminating wheel doesn’t stop 

Regardless of what she throws in front of it

Only she understands the severity of her soul

She’s too much for some

She’s too much for most

She’s too much for herself 

Seen

 

I stare at the screen

She doesn’t see me

She is me

She’s lived through each scene

She’s buried each emotion as it has surfaced for fear of what it might do to her

She’s gone through the motions

Yet only scratched the surface of her reality

Each time she comes close she pushes away

The screen shows a different view

The breaking of the spirit

Yet she’s blinded by that somehow

The shield is her anger that she has not allowed to surface

With its release will come the freedom where she can finally step out of the screen back into her own reality

She can accept what is hers 

She will no longer carry that burden of guilt & shame

She knows it’s hers to embrace and she’ll accept it

The madness of it all will make sense someday if nothing else only to her but still she’ll finally be at peace.  

Muddy waters

I’ve calmed down

My body doesn’t ache

My heart feels at rest

My thoughts don’t race

I truly have some sense of peace

It’s complicated, I’ll tell myself, but in reality it’s not

I’m not overthinking

Just realizing

I’m allowed to be me

It’s okay to feel & be where I am

Times are meant to be waded through

Sometimes you feel like your drowning

& many times you don’t realize how you pulled yourself out of the waters

The pressure kept building until it didn’t anymore

It just gradually stopped

It’s always going to be

You’ve accepted that sentiment

Things have transformed but your soul still knows

The semblance still resides

It’s different now

You’ve learned not to erase but accept

You’ve seen the beauty in the breaking 

& you’ve accepted that now

There are no answers

There are no more what ifs

It just is

So be it & so it is 

Destroyed

 Love had the power to destroy me.

Driving home last night I was overcome with emotion.

My heart was slowly ripped out of my body & smashed against the brick wall.

It refused to shatter.

It continued to beat but yet “his” hands continued to squeeze the pieces at various times.

Just when I would come up for air it was ripped out again & blocked any source of genuine love that was sent to me.

I let myself feel the love & a mirror flashed in my face to remind me of the devastation & the past. 

I couldn’t breathe, those memories of what I had and what would never again come to life surround me, so I sabotage.

My heart is broken, literally unrepairable.

Love was dismantled & yet the anticipation of new love exists but cannot be grasped.

I am my own worst enemy regardless of what I do and what I’m told.  

vision

 

things i saw today that made me feel something

~the giant weed in my parents driveway...growing up my dad was adamant about pulling all the weeds and spraying weed killer on the driveway to prevent them from scrambling through the gravel.

~sitting down next to my dad on the couch, recognizing his profile as that of my late grandpa dale

~records, then purchasing said records that were not "my cup of tea" i shortly found out, but still gave me a sense of nostalgia

~coming out of the bathroom this morning & seeing my two children in their bedroom, Elijah had brought Cece breakfast in bed

~seeing Provi and her sleepy head look as i picked her up from the sleepover

~watching my son care for his animals as he would take care of his own children someday

~witnessing strangers load up their truck with things i had donated to give to others that are in need

~Sometimes the vision isn't always clear, but little things seep through and shine outwardly. 

sometimes your heart feels joy but yet you are still so sad in your bones

sometimes alls you can do is keep breathing and keep moving regardless of what is going on in the outside world

sometimes you are so overwhelmed with others you can't express how grateful you are but yet at the same time you just can't do it anymore

sometimes those glimpses that give you that feeling capture your heart at just the right moments when you thought it would give out on you

most days i live in a fog

most days i recognize the beauty & the life in others but my bones still ache

most days i realize i really can't have what i want

most days i feel better off quiet and isolated

most days i feel that the only way to function is to continue to plunge forward 

most days if i pretend, i am okay

most days i realize that i really am not okay

someday i may be okay 

someday i will see that that sentiment is not far fetched

someday i will believe in myself and in others when they say it will be okay

someday i will stop running and face the giants in front of me

some day the fog will clear and it will be sunshine and rainbows

some day my bones will not ache 

some day i will believe all of this, most days i don't but sometimes i do....

goodbye

so it is 

goodbye for now 

we inhabit disparate worlds of thought 

although we began together 

strangers at best 

though I still feel i know you to your core

i need to let you go, nevertheless

still I cannot 

so for now 

it’s just goodbye 

Chasm

 

feeling pretty low

It’s surreal to me that I can still bring myself to drown in this sadness all because of you…

It’s infuriating at the same time that I care so much about your well-being…

While I shouldn’t wish you dead. Sometimes I feel like that path would be easier… 

Those feelings boil into the anger & bitterness that I have stored inside of my bones… 

It’s not fair that I allow your recovery, your well-being to affect my emotions, my life, my well-being, my happiness…

The predictability of it all is uncanny…

The pattern is always, always the same, possibly less intensity, but always the same…

People think I’m crazy, it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t even make sense to me, I bang  my head against the wall daily…

Like a tattoo engrained on my body forever, I can’t get rid of it, no matter what I do to cover it up…

These feelings of despair and angst cause great pain that i hide underneath this mask so well…

I peel back the layers at times, but then there are days when I just don’t want to move…

That chasm that you talk about, that chasm that I feel, I just want to be swallowed whole & drown in it…

happy birthday

 

3 years 

1,095 days

28 years

10,220 days

It was directed by spite

Contemplated often

The grand finale ended in a rage of intoxication

Intoxication that would not pause 

It was my fairy tale nightmare peppered in with  meaningful moments 

but they were not enough

Not enough to hold him

For me I pushed them aside

& set them on the bedside table

Hoping they would dissipate 

The duration of those 1,095 days was a push & pull of sorts

Questioning at best with very loose boundaries

The endurance of 10,220 days was a lifetime

Blessings & abundance

Agony & deep rooted heartache

Present day, is impossible to live in

The twilight zone is my fortress

Past days are comfortable & all I know

Future days suffocate me with all the questioning regardless of the joy that beckons me

happy birthday dear one, you’re scarred for a lifetime as you live in your twilight zone of comfort

It’s up to you to release & live in the now….

Destruction

 

You let me go

You just let me go

You didn’t fight

You didn’t hang on

You just let me go

I Fought for you

I fought for you daily

Sometimes hourly

I never let go

You threw those daggers

I set those boundaries

As a means of protection

And you released all the arrows

They broke me

I turned around

Every damn time

Regardless of the physical and emotional pain

I continued to turn around

You slammed those doors

You broke it all to pieces

You left me to clean up the mess

At what point do you realize the mass destruction you left in your wake

As I float through the air…

Or when I crash to the ground…

Anywhere but here

 

Where are you? 

You’ve lost your place 

I can’t seem to find you anywhere 

Believe me, I’ve tried …

You are everywhere 

You’ve ghosted your place 

But I see you in everything 

Every turn, every moment, every nook and cranny, you’re hidden in it…

I’ve searched for a long time 

I’ve tried to come up with my own answers 

There are no resolutions 

You’ve just disappeared 

you resurface

In the daylight, in the nighttime 

In their faces, in their voices, in their mannerisms 

I see you everywhere…

I’m strangled with grief 

I want to flee you  

I want to escape every last bit of you  

But there are moments, gasps of air that seep out of me

 I can’t breathe, because you’ve held my breath, for so long

You’re anywhere but here…