~Feel~

I feel completely empty & broken

I feel hated and shamed 

I feel lost & stuck

I feel like death & shattered

I feel as though I've failed myself

I feel I have disappointed myself

I poured my life into someone who I will never be enough for

I depended way too much on love, a love that shattered uncontrollably 

I let my own self down every time I opened my door to anger

Everytime I went back like a puppy begging to be understood

Everytime I spewed those words of hate & rage & retaliation all over again

What purpose does it serve, absolutely none

I want to feel alive again

Alive in my own self

I want to feel free again, free to not fear, free to be who i really am

& what's stopping me

Me

Dead in my tracks....

.

Free as bird 🕊

 I’ve always wanted a tattoo of birds like this. It started with the thought of seven birds around my shoulder, arm or wrist. As a representation of seven children fleeing the coop. 

But then I saw this picture. 

A tatoo, I believe can have many meetings wrapped up in one. Will I actually ever get one, not sure. I’ve been extremely chicken and have no pain tolerance, even after seven kids! But the symbolism of freedom that I see here in this photo, speaks volumes to me. 

There is so much of me that has been contained over the years and has longed to be free. Now, I am not one that is in severe distress, but mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, I need freedom.

Freedom from the guilt. The guilt of doing the wrong thing, not doing enough, not trying hard enough, not being a good enough wife to keep him sober. Not being a good enough mom to shelter them from chaos. 

Freedom from control. I will be the first to tell you I’m a control freak. I want things in order. I like to know what’s going on and have a plan. And lately I’ve lost all sense of control. It is a terrifying feeling really.

The freedom to be happy. I have been on a consistent roller coaster of unknowns over the last few years. Whether to be happy, or sad, or angry. The stability of my life, my marriage, my family, my children. Whether to stay or flee, whether to trust or question. Whether to believe and accept the outcome, or deny it.

I want to be free...my soul longs to be free🕊

Get it out

I seriously debated about writing tonight…

    the whole reason I started this blog was to get it out

    to get it out of my system

    to let the feelings flow

    to not hold them in anymore

    to have a voice

    to have the freedom to allow those feelings to escape my body

My house resembles my mental state… 

Each night I come home, I see the clutter, I see the mess, and I see the challenges…

I want to take a moment and clean it all up… But I don’t, the look of it all is overwhelming, as the weight of it all is overwhelming…

It’s a constant reminder that I can’t keep up…

I can’t keep up with the physical work of it all nor the mental work of it all…

I’m reminded that I can do better, that I should do better, why did I let it get like this?

~The chaos of it all, is insanity

~The work it will take to deliver what’s promised is at times excruciating

~~For such a time is this

Exhaustion

Exhaustion creeps in

So quickly it hits like a freight train

All the balls are waiting to drop 

Slowly they come then faster

I wonder if I'm imagining all this

Reality screams at me

I wake up strong, determined and confident

I close down the day feeling the weight of it all

Not understanding why I am experiencing all the "karma"

While he is able to flee and escape

It's a shitshow and he has a front row ticket

My mind runs rampant with the thoughts he has as he silently controls the puppet...

here i am

this, this had always been a source of peace for me

I've neglected it over time, a very long time at that....

It's ironic because it can relate this to the season i am walking through

I have neglected myself, for a very long time....

I was always challenged growing up playing the piano

I had to practice and study for hours, it didn't just flow out of me....

I remember my senior year of high school, Leif, an exchange student, lived next door to me.  He would come over, sit down and just play.  The music that flowed out of  those hands and his soul was a gift.

The year after I had Kiara, (22 years ago) i had the opportunity to be on the worship team at church, I played the keyboard.  I was introduced to chords.  This made a significant difference for me versus reading "notes."  Years after four kids in tow, I was able to be part of the worship team & had the opportunity to sing, which was my original passion.  That year was a tumultuous one for our family.  

A few months later the kids and I moved back to Indiana for a season and again, music found me.  I was welcomed to the worship team and played the keyboard.  During that season of my life, music healed my soul.  It connected me to a deeper spiritual level with a relationship with Jesus.  My dependence was found in Him and not man.  

Needless to say my dependence drifted and I began to rely on my own strength and let that dependence fall in the wrong hands....

There is a sense of release & freedom in playing notes on a piano/keyboard and singing with all your heart

There is a deeper connection that rests in my soul and i feel heard

i found myself back at "this place" tonight.  The rickety old piano that needs tuned, that has been around for longer than i can remember.  The object that began as a tool for learning became a need for surviving.  

For such a time as this....

"Here I am 

Once again

In the safety of this place

I pour out my heart to say that I love You

pour out my heart to say that I need You..."

embrace

I have the hardest time sitting still

embracing the noise

I fill my pain with motion

with constant going, going, going

I don't stop long enough to feel the feelings

to own the mess

I reflect back to the movie Frozen

"What are you so AFRAID of?!?!"

I'm afraid of the answers

i'm terrified of how I really feel

in the depths of my soul

the silence that no one knows about...

Guts

Alcoholism destroys families. 

Once it hits, there is no escape

Whether you are the alcoholic or the family of an alcoholic

the disease will find you

I just finished the book, Guts by Kristen Johnston.  You might remember her, the gal from 3rd Rock from the Sun.  My husband told me about it months ago.  I researched it and the local library special ordered it for me.  She was a former drug addict & an alcoholic.  It's not for the squeamish, but definitely a decent memoir.  I had, and have a tendency to find out as much as I could about alcoholism.  I began a few years back when I finally acknowledged the problem and stopped covering.  I myself am not an alcoholic.  

I honestly understand more now than ever about this disease.  It still baffles me and I still have many questions.  It still makes me extremely angry but yet breaks my heart at the same time.  If you have walked through this, you may understand.  

I have learned, not necessarily applied, that the focus needs to be off of the alcoholic and on myself to move forward.  You cannot change it, you cannot cure it & you most definitely did not cause it.  The latter being my biggest struggle as of late....

The reason i am writing tonight is because the very last chapter punched me right in the gut.  Now understand I am not a mousy wife who did everything my husband told me to do....but I willingly "followed" him, complied and let my emotions be dictated by him, without him willing knowing that or causing that.  This was all on me, this was my disease, my addiction to him.  

        "Kristen, why don't you stop worrying about how everyone else feels about you and start concentrating on yourself?  How do you feel about people?  How do you feel about situations?  Because right now all I see is someone who doesn't  have a clue as to who she really is or what she really wants....isn't it time you learned how to see yourself through your own eyes instead of everyone else's? "

Ouch, just ouch....go ahead and insert my name.....

not yet

when you're overwhelmed you try

try to retrain your mind to think on it's own

you believe that you are strong

but yet you feel so incredibly weak

impossible seems doable

possible seems far fetched

i will rise up

i will beat this darkness

but i'm not ready

maybe that's the sickness we inherit

Breaking

How do u sleep at night?

Do you just forget it all?

Do you just erase it from your mind? 

Is it that simple for you

Do you ever wonder why you precede to hurt her again and again

But yet she stays and she stayed through it all

She’s stuck to you like glue because she knew your true worth

She knew your true value

She knows who you are and who you can be

She digs deep and holds on regardless of how tumultuous it might be

She didn't walk away

She took her vows, and still does, seriously

She created boundaries based on instruction from you and a trusted adult

But yet when she stood up for herself she was slammed to the ground

She swirls around like the wind

She’s afraid and can’t see her worth

Her worth has lied in you for all these years

How do you throw out someone, whom you love and profess to love so deeply as a soulmate, how and why would you throw her away?

You want her to be strong, to stand on her own two feet 

But yet when she makes that decision you tear her down and break her wide open

She comes back to you every time, when you know full well she’s worth far more than that, but yet you slam her back into that wall again and again

For what?  For what purpose do you choose to break your soulmate? 

You willingly let her go and feed her to the wolves

She stood by you for over half of your life

She loved you, supported you, believed in you, when no one else would, especially yourself

But yet she has to earn your love, she has to earn back your approval because you are something

Because you deserve it

At what cost is enough, enough

At what point do you continue to destroy a family that is not meant to be destroyed

Built on a rock, a foundation, a true testimony at times, but yet you want to let the walls crumble

Due to your own demise, guilt & shame

Rather than stepping back and taking a deep breath, your own advice of backing off

There’s a lot at stake to just willingly let the pieces fall

Be still

      It's calm, yet chaotic, as the water laps against the dock, to the call of the geese as they drift by

      The constant chirping of the birds, yet the peaceful stillness of the lake

      To the family that walks by with their child, to my hideout against the boat dock doors 

      While in the nature, the thoughts displayed in reality, are a replica of this life

       The multitude of ducks on the water, enreathed by empty space 

       The boat that drifts in solitude, yet surrounded by hundreds of houses

      The seasons in my life encompassed by many opportunities that were taken

      The poignant moments that were hidden, eventually became exposed

      A representation of a life that was full of joy and love, yet challenged with fear and hate

      The houses with closed doors, while quarantined, are forced to 'just stay home"

      Our emotions that run rampant in our souls are quieted with "everything is fine"

     The picturesque lake with the beauty surrounding it, yet the overturned duck that did not survive his plight

     The family unit represented with having it all together, yet inside the disease has targeted all of them....

No words....no answers

I have no words, I have no answers...
I have been looking everywhere, except inside myself...
My heart is broken, but not for myself, for my children...
For what they have to endure & the thoughts & questions that they will have to live with regardless of the outcome...
I want to go into my bathroom and swallow every pill imaginable and go to sleep...
But i can't,  I have to be strong, for them