Free as bird 🕊

 I’ve always wanted a tattoo of birds like this. It started with the thought of seven birds around my shoulder, arm or wrist. As a representation of seven children fleeing the coop. 

But then I saw this picture. 

A tatoo, I believe can have many meetings wrapped up in one. Will I actually ever get one, not sure. I’ve been extremely chicken and have no pain tolerance, even after seven kids! But the symbolism of freedom that I see here in this photo, speaks volumes to me. 

There is so much of me that has been contained over the years and has longed to be free. Now, I am not one that is in severe distress, but mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, I need freedom.

Freedom from the guilt. The guilt of doing the wrong thing, not doing enough, not trying hard enough, not being a good enough wife to keep him sober. Not being a good enough mom to shelter them from chaos. 

Freedom from control. I will be the first to tell you I’m a control freak. I want things in order. I like to know what’s going on and have a plan. And lately I’ve lost all sense of control. It is a terrifying feeling really.

The freedom to be happy. I have been on a consistent roller coaster of unknowns over the last few years. Whether to be happy, or sad, or angry. The stability of my life, my marriage, my family, my children. Whether to stay or flee, whether to trust or question. Whether to believe and accept the outcome, or deny it.

I want to be free...my soul longs to be free🕊