Guts

Alcoholism destroys families. 

Once it hits, there is no escape

Whether you are the alcoholic or the family of an alcoholic

the disease will find you

I just finished the book, Guts by Kristen Johnston.  You might remember her, the gal from 3rd Rock from the Sun.  My husband told me about it months ago.  I researched it and the local library special ordered it for me.  She was a former drug addict & an alcoholic.  It's not for the squeamish, but definitely a decent memoir.  I had, and have a tendency to find out as much as I could about alcoholism.  I began a few years back when I finally acknowledged the problem and stopped covering.  I myself am not an alcoholic.  

I honestly understand more now than ever about this disease.  It still baffles me and I still have many questions.  It still makes me extremely angry but yet breaks my heart at the same time.  If you have walked through this, you may understand.  

I have learned, not necessarily applied, that the focus needs to be off of the alcoholic and on myself to move forward.  You cannot change it, you cannot cure it & you most definitely did not cause it.  The latter being my biggest struggle as of late....

The reason i am writing tonight is because the very last chapter punched me right in the gut.  Now understand I am not a mousy wife who did everything my husband told me to do....but I willingly "followed" him, complied and let my emotions be dictated by him, without him willing knowing that or causing that.  This was all on me, this was my disease, my addiction to him.  

        "Kristen, why don't you stop worrying about how everyone else feels about you and start concentrating on yourself?  How do you feel about people?  How do you feel about situations?  Because right now all I see is someone who doesn't  have a clue as to who she really is or what she really wants....isn't it time you learned how to see yourself through your own eyes instead of everyone else's? "

Ouch, just ouch....go ahead and insert my name.....