Posts
All Comments
i look Out
i see the darkness
i wonder what it would be like to just step out into that darkness
to be weighted down in a different way
to let it all go
to submerse myself underneath where nothing could reach me anymore
not the voices, not the aches, not the guilt, not the regrets
it would all just wash away
& sink within me
hide me in a place where i only hear the whispers of the wind…
secure my arms around myself where no aches can enter my bones…
flood my soul with peace that battles the despair…
quiet my mind that stirs at the mention…
breathe into me the answers i've been after...
surround me with the light & shut out the darkness…
Slow and steady, wins the race, that’s the age old tale we’ve grown up and heard often…
Obviously, that did not take affect in my brain…
I travel around, like the rabbit, constant…
Constantly seeking…
Constantly seeking answers…
constantly seeking change…
Change would come, but it was short-lived.
I had these grandiose visions that I felt one day would come to fruition if I just could hurry up and fix it all.
Each time I would jump in and fix what I could, and when I could, I would keep on moving, keep on running, constant…
This entire time something has been pressing me to slow down
Slow and steady will run that race Jill…
Slow and steady will keep you grounded…
Slow and steady…
It will show you your truth.
I refused to take on the role of the turtle
Slow and steady…
I kept looking back. I kept ignoring the script and jumped ahead as fast as I could.
Rather than the slow and steady of the turtle, I took on the shell of the turtle.
I would pull myself in.
I would isolate each time that I felt I couldn’t breathe.
I would pause for a “minute” come up for air and switch to the role of the rabbit.
I would pull myself inside of that shell and hide every chance that I got,
The more time that went on I recognized my own pattern.
Hide it all, store everything in that shell…
where no one can see it…
no one can see the real you…
no one can judge you or hurt you or get to you. & let no one love you because in the end, they will abandon you…
Inside that shell I stored anger, bitterness, and rage. I would retreat to the quiet, but I would continue to be filled with all of these emotions. The peace, the calm, the flow would not come to me.
What am I looking for
What are the facts
What am I missing
What do I want
I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
The facts are clear as day
Present in front of me
Like hammers pounding my soul
& smashing my heart
The pieces continue to fly around me
& destroy any sense of peace I have
I’m missing a piece of my soul
A piece of my being that was torn away slowly
Over time
Into a million pieces
It’s impossible to put it back together
I want out
I want to escape
I want to leave
I want to not hurt anymore
I want it all to stop
The reminders
The memories
The constant blurs that flash before me
The yellow door… The yellow door that beckoned me, the yellow door that waited for me… The yellow door that anticipated my arrival…
Inside was a place of quiet… Of calm… Of peace…
I don’t know exactly what I’ve been looking for on this journey… My journey has been too long… I’ve constantly sought the answers and ran from them… I’ve constantly sought for peace and joy and found it along the way, but nothing could cover up the immense grief that I felt in my bones.
The grief of losing everything, when I say everything, I must not neglect to remind you that I have seven beautiful children.
But the grief of a love of a lifetime. It was like a slow and pending death, that still hangs on to this day. It’s like a ghost, wavering above my body, outside of my body, around my body. It will not leave. It is unrelenting.
I see him for what he is. & I am just so incredibly sad. The anger still rises when he talks, but the emotion that overwhelms me is sadness.
Sadness for what he misses. Sadness for what he fails to understand could’ve been the love of a lifetime, the ride of his life, the testimony that would reach others
He kept choosing “it.”
“It” was more important than anything.
“It” was more important than any of us.
“It” was more important than the fight, the fight for true unconditional love.
But he could not receive that devotion, he could not feel that affection, because “It” consumed him. I couldn’t understand why.
As I deal with my own addictions and my own demons, my own understanding is more clear But it still rocks me to my core. It still stabs me in the heart consistently and reminds me daily of what he continued to choose. Not me, not us. Why couldn’t he have just chosen us.
As I get ready to start my day today, I refuse to go home the same person. I refuse to continue to wallow in self pity . I refuse to continue to bury every emotion for fear of it will kill me.
I want to be free. I cannot see that freedom. I cannot visualize that freedom. I cannot taste that freedom. I will not lie to you, the freedom that I so desperately seek seems lost.
This hole I don’t think will ever be filled. I feel so alone in that. I want to heal, I want to be okay. I want to experience joy and peace, but I feel that it is literally impossible.
He was my everything. He abandoned me over and over and over and I allowed it. What am I so afraid of. I’ll break? That I won’t survive? Yes…
When I walk back into my own reality, I am overwhelmed. When I am silent and in solitude, I am okay. How do I find the middle ground…
Apparently not nine…
How many people can be placed in one’s life to show me the answers
Not enough…
How many books can one read to absorb what the voices scream at me daily
Not one…
How long can one continue to scroll to help remove the penetrating thoughts
Until I fall asleep…
How many times can god keep holding on
I’m not sure….
How much time is needed to utter the words, this too shall pass…
Never enough…
How much drama can one stir up inside their own soul
Just enough…
Just enough, to send you to the edge
But not fully…
Never enough, to fully let yourself go…
I’m not sure what god is to me…
Until I fall asleep, I am at war within my bones…
Not one memory will leave my side…
Not enough to comfort me in the way I desperately need…
❤️🩹nine~the ebb & flow of life, a completion, not a final ending…
~how many times have you “let it go”
More than I can count
~how many times did you snatch it back
Too many
~did he walk away
Yes
~did he abandon you for another
More than once
~did his hands fall upon you in a destructive way
Yes
~did his words cut you in half
~did you stay
I did but he promised he would change
~did he keep that promise
No
~why did you stay
I believed in love
His love, our love
We would be a testimony
~how did that work out for you
He destroyed me
He destroyed our marriage
He destroyed our family
~did he look back
No but I did
He pulled me back in
He was the puppeteer
~does he carry the guilt
Possibly
But yet I am consumed with the guilt he should bear
~why is that
I do not know
I am entangled
~you need to let go
I don’t know how
It will swallow me whole
~what will jill
The grief
The waves wash over me
A time of stillness
Slow yet steady
I can feel it
The release
Methodically, intermittently the pressure comes & goes
The waves of pain flow through
Different channels they take
Yet I physically feel it move as I rest
The stillness is uncomfortable
It’s a struggle to relax
But the process of these waves being released
Although temporary
Leaves me with a different sense of peace…
i close the door
on you
on your sadness
on your words
i close the door
to your professions
to your promises
to your apologies
i close the door
on the thoughts
on the voices
on the fears
i close the door
to the heaviness
to the walls built
to the brokenness
i close the door
on my self sabotage
on the guilt I store
on feeling responsible for you
& the destruction
i am not yours
i am me
i no longer am controlled by the strings of the puppeteer
I am slamming the door
there is no longer a key…
~Sitting in the closet while eating lil debbie Christmas tree cakes while your children are snoring & nestled in their borrowed beds
~taking a breath on your Christmas excursion with the littles while establishing a new tradition in hopes of overcoming your hatred of “Christmas”
~deciding to type out a “grown up Christmas list” yet speaking out your truths instead
~realizing that no god nor santa nor miracle will help you overcome the deep darkness that covers your eyes this time of year
~accepting that the only battle you’re fighting is the one within yourself
~realizing that the ”fight” is over but yet you’re still swinging
~being blind to the true feelings that are surrounding you but they feel foreign so you put up all your defenses
~unwilling to accept, embrace & relax, so you begin to sabatage the good that may come
~yet here you are, in this place, at what cost & at what loss are you willing to feel
~the past or your future
~can you open my eyes & pull me out of this twilight zone
~you being me
i firmly believe as of late, that my writing has left me trapped
it has left me stuck
stuck in a world that is no longer my reality
a world that would spin me out of control consistently
but yet it brought me comfort
Comfort, to have the chaos
to still hold a sense of control
even though i had none
it brought about grief
rage & anger
it has not been helpful
it has in fact been detrimental
the only way out for me is to release
to release the anger & rage that i have stored in my body for so long
the feelings that compound in my mind that i have sworn will dissipate as i write
the problem, they haven't
i have given them more power
more strength to live on in my mind
it's as if i am holding onto them
it's time to let go
it's time to release
just how will that happen i am not sure
by way of publishing this so called book would be the first step
my words out on paper, release from my very being and out into the world for someone to grasp onto as i once did
~a voice
to speak the truth that it is okay to struggle
it is okay to hang on for 30 years
it is okay to feel defeated and undone
it is okay for the results not to be as you were to have them
even though you did everything you were capable of
~the words
that transpire onto pages that open my eyes to see
that this life was not normal
while it was a beautiful one
it was filled with destruction
that created a division among souls
that suspended a battle that would never be won
that endured a life full of questions, broken promises
and left us with no answers or closure
we will rise out of the suffering
it will no longer define us
it will no longer have a pull or hold on us
it will no longer be the tie that binds
it was the unraveling of a perfect circle
that was never perfect to begin with
it spiraled out of control
the brokenness was made new by the unconditional love & strength of the very gifts that were given to me
i look Out i see the darkness i wonder what it would be like to just step out into that darkness to be weighted down in a different way to...
