Watch me

 

I will no longer stand idle

I will no longer hold my screams in

I will no longer allow fear to penetrate my soul

I will no longer make excuses

I will no longer allow the words to terrify me 

I will no longer believe the threats & lies

I will no longer let the daggers pierce my heart

You can not sway me

You can not silence me

You can not break me

You can not lie to me

You can not hurt me

You can not convince me

You can not destroy me 

I will rise up

I will rise above

I will rise through

I will rise beyond

I will rise with vengeance 

I will rise with truth

I will rise with strength

hide me in a place where i only hear the whispers of the wind

secure my arms around myself where no aches can enter my bones

flood my soul with peace that battles the despair

quiet my mind that stirs at the mention

breathe into me the answers i've been after...

surround me with the light and shut out the darkness

the pieces

 

Climbing out I thought I was free

The chain pulled tighter

Walking away I thought was the key

The waves crashed harder

The ebb & flow of this disease

Scars every inch of my soul

Watching you slowly waste away

Is the loudest scream I’ve ever heard

Your hands clasp tightly

shattering my mind

I wail

glass shatters

but you won’t wake up

be still

be still they said

be calm and it will pass

the anger is silent

yet rages through my body

it beats on my bones

the stillness is present 

but fleeting

it visits for a time 

but then abandons me

 

Taken...

Redemption was supposed to be mine

Providence was our promise

a promise that fell through the cracks

the struggle was fought

but the battle was not won

the testimony was spoken 

but over time it burned to ash

slowly like a serum

it dripped out like poison

a long slow awaited death

one that you knew was coming

but not one you could prepare for

it pummeled my heart 

it shattered my soul

you find a way through

because there is no way out

For such a time is this

 

Sometimes we’re stripped of everything we thought had once defined us…

We feel defeated, alone, battered, destroyed…

We see this empty barren vessel…

That is no longer complete…

What we fail to realize is the turn around

The breaking 

The awakening

The process is slow

Yet we rush it

For such a time as this

We grow, we flourish, we thrive🌳

 Today I am listening

Feelings are not my friend

Flooding my soul are the thoughts

Swirling & twisting around my heart

Squeezing so tightly I feel the air leave

Questioning this new found freedom 

So fleeting

Does it only last for a time

Will it always be like this

Am I a hypocrite 

Can I ever fully walk away

The days will accumulate but new days are coming

What to expect is crushing

What am I truly so afraid of

Why is that last brick holding on

Why have you not smashed to the floor

Just let me go

Let me be released from any & all reminders

Show me that it’s okay 

Tear away the guilt that plagues my soul

Rid me of this hatred that eats away at my bones

Hidden

 

For years I hid in darkness

I took apart the very own pieces of my soul

The light that magnified my being was snuffed out 

A steady stream of flickering until all light was gone

I held in my hands the source of my energy but continued to falter  at putting the pieces back together

One pillar remains

 a piece of my childhood has come to an end

slowly i have watched the demolition

each day i drive by & it is whittled down to nothing

it has been a slow process

as i round the curve every morning i am taken aback

one pillar remains

a piece of my life has been taken away

through lenses i viewed the destruction

i continued to go around in circles

climbing back in only to find emptiness

as i reach the end i am breathless

one pillar remains

this piece of my childhood, a school

while it is just a building, the process is symbolic 

freedom awaits me

the presence is strong 

the bricks have crumbled as I have allowed my soul to heal

but yet one pillar remains 

 if only he loved me as he loved alcohol

if only he loved me enough to make it stop

if only he loved me to survive his addiction

if only i loved him enough to let him go

if only i loved him & entrusted him to someone other than me

if only i loved him to see the damage we were both creating

if only he loved me to open his eyes to his destruction

if only he loved me to see his true self

if only he loved me to continue to persevere

if only i loved him to see that i can't go back

if only i loved him to know i won't survive this

if only i loved myself as much as i desperately love him

In a perfect world

 In a perfect world, I would want to remarry

I’d want the whimsical ring

The proposal of new beginnings

In a perfect world, we would be a testimony

A testament that love truly does conquer all

In a perfect world, the past would dissipate 

The future would not be looked upon as fearful

In a perfect world, we would do this life together

No more animosity, but yet a shared collaboration 

In a perfect world all would come together and there would be no more sadness of what might have been 

Reality is, there is no perfect world

Reality is, material things will disenigrate

Reality is, the new is unretrivable

Reality is, that testimony looks different 

& maybe love does not truly conquer all

Reality is, we cannot escape the past regardless of how hard we continue to try

Reality is the future is unknown

Reality is, there is no life together

The process is debilitating 

Reality is, 25 years falls upon us in a whisper of a cruel taunting of what never will be