Silent

 

she stands but even now she wonders if she's alone

she hesitates to stay as she looks back at what abandoned her

she desires hope nevertheless it continues to be a dissolution

the light is faint yet it is evident, still she continues to waver

she desires to remove her belongings and leave them behind

even now they continue to find their way back

it seeps through her pores though she has fought to extract the remnants out

 yet still they beckon

she is haunted deep in her bones by what has been lost

but she still cannot severe the pull

Pierced

I just don’t want to be 

a n y m o r e 

I don’t want to move

I’ve allowed the brokenness to swallow me

I can’t find a way to escape it

It’s up close and present

Not distant and isolated

Crazy ensues

Projection and anger fly out of my body

In hopes of piercing him

the downfall 

The arrows graze & return to destroy me

Twisted

 

Twisted i have seen

depraved from the truth buried in my bones 

Twisted i have felt

corrupt with the unseen blindness of many

Twisted i have been

warped with my own inner demons

Twisted I am unmoving 

but clawing out of the depths of burial

Twisted I continue to feel

but those scars are slowly vanishing

Twisted I am still

but the voices are but a whisper…

Acceptance

How do I tell them

that life is truly an ongoing journey

Your soul will fight

 your heart will shatter

your will 

will break

Each step you take continues to move you forward

Each turn is another season of life that you will endure

The time you spend fighting is wasteful

It will prove nothing except defeat

The strength is within you

the answers are deep in your soul waiting to be dug out

do not silence them

take them out

one by one, acceptance is freedom

Regardless of what that looks like

it will blind you at times, but accept it

hold that feeling deep in your bones

refuse to abandon your truth

Let me out

~do you see

do you see me

do you see the real me

~the twisted, bruised & broken me

the thoughts go unheard yet swirl in my mind

the visions are unrecognizable yet flash before my eyes

the voices are but a whisper, yet scream in my soul

~I see you but yet I’m still invisible

i am small when I come beside you

I am lost in the shadows & hover underneath your gaze

~I retreat to the very person I should not become

you have that power still in your hands

where do I go when I am with you

down the path of confusion

What broke me will not hold me

 This has been spoken often

Quietly, pleading, screaming

I still laced up & ran….

Every time…

I look back at that girl

that broken spirit

Shattered, burdened, dissolving

I don’t judge her, but I still wonder 

Why so long did I wait

Weary, challenged, spent

but still I kept going…

Admist it all, I kept surging forward

Crumbling but still intact

Days, months, years it took 

The grasp of freedom I took hold

the grip of peace encircled my heart

Longing, hope & finally acceptance

I will not go back….I am free

In the secret….

 ~for better or worse

the guilt of relenting

~in sickness & in health

what about boundaries & safety

~there’s a light 

sobriety 

~the damage has been done

but the guilt of not knowing what I want

~the battle in my mind

~hides secretly in the shadows

My truth

 “You can’t handle the truth!”  

I visualize that being yelled in a movie that “my person” watched & loved.  I had often thought that was “his problem.”  I am realizing that at this moment, it is mine.  I read over my latest blog entry and I had penned, “the bricks have begun to fall, can I handle the truth.”  As the healing has graciously come, it’s too much, it’s too evident, it’s too clear…

Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow, but I am being swallowed by my own truth & quite frankly, I don’t want to face it…

I’m consumed by guilt

yet shouldn’t be

The layers are slowly peeled back & discarded 

but the sting is unbearable 

The healing is there

the freedom just waiting

But I can’t bear to face it

I am breaking

this is far from freedom

Someone please wake me up

The mountain I climb

Questioning all that’s within me

Searching my soul

Coming up empty

The answers aren’t here

They aren’t ready

They aren’t needed

The distractions must disappear

You must move forward with confidence 

But I need to know

At what expense

At what cost

In what realm does it matter

Mine….

Naivety has always been my best friend

The quiet comfort

Yet the screaming ensued

I closed the doors

Oh how I slammed those doors

But the truth kept oozing out

It continued to play cat & mouse

I couldn’t run fast enough

I still can’t escape 

It’s a revolving door and I can’t break free

I find the healing detrimental 

Yet it exposes my soul

It leaves me raw and bleeding

But yet a peace is supposed to wash over me

Where are you peace

You’ve taken the whispers 

The screams have come back

I can’t shut them out

They’re constant reminders 

The walls have caved in

The bricks have begun to fall

Can I handle the truth

This mountain I climb

Will I reach the top 

At loss

 It wasn’t supposed to be this way

As okay as I am today, it still hurts

As much as I needed the solitude I am reminded in doses this morning of what we’ve lost 

These invisible forces stir up a storm in my soul

The source

Like a river it streams down my face

As warm as a blanket it hides in the shelter

As cold as the ice it slips away

The snap of a memory it presses its way back in

The shatter of the glass slips right through my fingers

The turn of a page it bleeds out through the pen

The screams out of my mouth hit others like arrows

Piercing their innocent hearts

The rubber bands snapping against my skin

Remind me of the sting of his words

The slam of a door cracks me in half

The thought of him leaving angers my soul

The sobriety turns the next page in his book

But leaves me hostile with the ache of the memories