Stranger

 Stranger~ a person whom one does not know or with whom one is not familiar….

I can’t sit with this feeling tonight

It’s disheartening 

Where one can become a complete stranger

after years of shared history 

Seeing through the magnifying glass now

much of life was unaccountable

Buried between the pages that I quickly turned before the truth could escape

Yet the truth would flee but my hands covered my ears

As it raced against time to catch the sound waves that squeezed between my fingers

Unrelentless they would find a way into my psyche 

Much to my chagrin it would take years to filter through

Yet when it did

My heart broke

In pieces

Not all at once but steadily

Like “slow & steady wins the race”

But I haven’t won

The stranger has…

While their ears are open

Their eyes unglued

Only a moment for clarity

Yet it’s clear right away

Fast & furious to slow & steady

Slipping through their fingers

Oozing out their pores

Bleeding from their heart 

But they, the stranger is unscathed

Scenes from a movie

 

The script is simple

You see how it plays out

At least you thought you did, it’s all laid out in front of you

I can’t fully comprehend why I feel that I am living outside of my head, the twilight zone

the pattern is always repeated

I see the reels rolling

Cut~

take two~

action!!

take four~

Cut~

The tidy ending

The package deal as the credits roll

Except that isn’t how it is, is it

Yet my soul still yearns for those pivotal moments that are glamorized  in Hollywood

Even now as my so called life was not ”completed” the way I viewed the original script 

I still search for those pivotal heart stirring moments

Reckless abandon, love so strong, the kiss, the tears, the solutions to a devastating end

Where does that come from, why is this stirring buried in my bones 

It forces me to sit with the question

Would  the credits play out completely if I could uncover those answers

Inconclusive, ambiguous, end scene

the dance

 

Sometimes my brain needs to sit in the quiet

Many times I force that stillness into motion

When the quiet presents itself, it screams at me

It’s not a subtle nudge like most might experience 

But a warning signal launched into the air 

Hoping desperately for me to finally grasp & turn off

I’ve realized the majority of my adult life has been a dance

A push & pull of sorts 

Between one soul & my own

You discover quite a bit about yourself as you continue this dance

Once the music is silenced it slowly roars out of control to gain your attention

This is me

This is my life

Or should I say this was my life

What pulls me back into that dance

While beautiful at times, often beauty was replaced by a nightmare

Who then, in their right mind, continues to fall back in, as soon as the music begins to play…

not this time…

not this time…

this “sealtian” will be my own❤️‍🩹

~patterns

I feel like I have no right to question what is going on 

I feel as though I shouldn’t be worried or concerned 

I’ve been here before too many times 

they say trust actions not words

someone once shared with me

trust the patterns…

I learned a lot from that one word, patterns…

patterns could always be trusted…

patterns were like clockwork…

sometimes the time frame was different, but the pattern remained the same….

why am I again amazed at the pattern…

it is exactly the same. 

someone please tell me how to severe this cord 

it’s lay dormant for a while

at times there’s a been a few tugs

now the draw has come back into play

I am not safe in my own soul…

once this tugging ensues I fear where I will go 

that is the hold that this cord has on me….

It seems that each time that I put more distance, more resistance , the cord gets snapped back into place