Let me out

~do you see

do you see me

do you see the real me

~the twisted, bruised & broken me

the thoughts go unheard yet swirl in my mind

the visions are unrecognizable yet flash before my eyes

the voices are but a whisper, yet scream in my soul

~I see you but yet I’m still invisible

i am small when I come beside you

I am lost in the shadows & hover underneath your gaze

~I retreat to the very person I should not become

you have that power still in your hands

where do I go when I am with you

down the path of confusion

What broke me will not hold me

 This has been spoken often

Quietly, pleading, screaming

I still laced up & ran….

Every time…

I look back at that girl

that broken spirit

Shattered, burdened, dissolving

I don’t judge her, but I still wonder 

Why so long did I wait

Weary, challenged, spent

but still I kept going…

Admist it all, I kept surging forward

Crumbling but still intact

Days, months, years it took 

The grasp of freedom I took hold

the grip of peace encircled my heart

Longing, hope & finally acceptance

I will not go back….I am free

In the secret….

 ~for better or worse

the guilt of relenting

~in sickness & in health

what about boundaries & safety

~there’s a light 

sobriety 

~the damage has been done

but the guilt of not knowing what I want

~the battle in my mind

~hides secretly in the shadows

My truth

 “You can’t handle the truth!”  

I visualize that being yelled in a movie that “my person” watched & loved.  I had often thought that was “his problem.”  I am realizing that at this moment, it is mine.  I read over my latest blog entry and I had penned, “the bricks have begun to fall, can I handle the truth.”  As the healing has graciously come, it’s too much, it’s too evident, it’s too clear…

Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow, but I am being swallowed by my own truth & quite frankly, I don’t want to face it…

I’m consumed by guilt

yet shouldn’t be

The layers are slowly peeled back & discarded 

but the sting is unbearable 

The healing is there

the freedom just waiting

But I can’t bear to face it

I am breaking

this is far from freedom

Someone please wake me up

The mountain I climb

Questioning all that’s within me

Searching my soul

Coming up empty

The answers aren’t here

They aren’t ready

They aren’t needed

The distractions must disappear

You must move forward with confidence 

But I need to know

At what expense

At what cost

In what realm does it matter

Mine….

Naivety has always been my best friend

The quiet comfort

Yet the screaming ensued

I closed the doors

Oh how I slammed those doors

But the truth kept oozing out

It continued to play cat & mouse

I couldn’t run fast enough

I still can’t escape 

It’s a revolving door and I can’t break free

I find the healing detrimental 

Yet it exposes my soul

It leaves me raw and bleeding

But yet a peace is supposed to wash over me

Where are you peace

You’ve taken the whispers 

The screams have come back

I can’t shut them out

They’re constant reminders 

The walls have caved in

The bricks have begun to fall

Can I handle the truth

This mountain I climb

Will I reach the top 

At loss

 It wasn’t supposed to be this way

As okay as I am today, it still hurts

As much as I needed the solitude I am reminded in doses this morning of what we’ve lost 

These invisible forces stir up a storm in my soul

The source

Like a river it streams down my face

As warm as a blanket it hides in the shelter

As cold as the ice it slips away

The snap of a memory it presses its way back in

The shatter of the glass slips right through my fingers

The turn of a page it bleeds out through the pen

The screams out of my mouth hit others like arrows

Piercing their innocent hearts

The rubber bands snapping against my skin

Remind me of the sting of his words

The slam of a door cracks me in half

The thought of him leaving angers my soul

The sobriety turns the next page in his book

But leaves me hostile with the ache of the memories

the battle rages on

 

the battle ensues...

so often i had the mentality if i could just get through this stage, this season, this episode, it would be well

i was a fool, loyalty or stupidity, therin lies the mystery

i have spent the last two years swimming upstream against a current i could not master

i fought, i struggled, i questioned, i reasoned, i listened, i ignored, i begged, i pleaded

my words were void

my prayers were empty

my hopes diminished

finally i have arrived again at a crossroads, the journey looks no different this time, yet i am different

many paths could be taken, there are no guarantees, there are no promises, there is hope, yet it is fleeting because we have been in this exact place

the more i dig, the more i see

the more i remember, i'm pulled backwards to thoughts of despair, pain & brokenness 

do i risk dying on that hill all over again, do i betray myself in the process, is that what it would be considered

the angst bubbles up and seeps into my pores as i contemplate the finale of having to make a choice

the anger surfaces much too often as i'm reminded what i climbed out of to even consider moving forward yet again

the grief overwhelms me if i choose myself

beauty from ashes, a different story

 these sunflowers represent "beauty from ashes, at least they did when I first planted them

this "dirt pile" was a fire pit at one time

a fire pit my "person" had created

it was a project he threw himself into, to help his recovery 

it was a process & he transformed our front yard

it was temporary but at the time it was beautiful

so beautiful it broke my heart because I knew the struggle for him to get to that point

so beautiful because he was Tony again, we were a family again, he was constant & present in our lives

I thought at that time God had given him this gift & this was our broken turned into beautiful

that was almost two years ago

time slipped away, the disease came back with a vengeance that no one was prepared for

time moved on, a tree fell into our yard, crashing that fire pit & the beauty it once held

much like our lives, it created havoc

myself, my children, we preceded to pick up the pieces, we burned them into the ground

I watched the ashes dissipate as the smoke rose

it was a healing process, unknown to me, that would be a continuous drawn out process

a few months back I decided to plant sunflowers in that pit

I was skeptical they would grow

but much to my amazement they did

two giant beautiful towering flowers grew out of that mess

it made me happy & gave me hope 

last week, storms raged throughout our area

they were not kind

one is still standing, but leaning considerably, the other is uprooted

I've hap hazardly tried to push it back in the ground, knowing full well I could just get a shovel and replant it 

but I'm tired, so very, very tired

for now, it continues to sit amidst the sun, struggling to rise, but it's still there in the midst of all the uncertainty 

I saw new beginnings

I saw sobriety

I saw the broken put back together

I saw hope

I saw Jeremiah 29:11 played out

I saw restoration

I saw completion

I saw healing of so many hurts

I saw the tears being dried up

I saw the beaten bones begin to dance

I saw serving the community based on our experiences & rebirth of souls

I saw our witness being born into others

I saw a future that was bright and full 

Full of love, joy & finally peace....

that's what I saw, then I awoke

Grief in the form of the end

 Who knew that grief could be a part of my life as a result of divorce...

I cannot fathom still, this loss

I will always have him in my life

I can never escape him

that for me, makes this unbearable at times

as a woman, as a faithful loyal wife of almost 24 years, as a mother that gave him seven beautiful, healthy children, this rocks my boat

it's either sink or swim baby

which path would you chose

many times I've found that I'm drowning while other times I am swimming for my life

I am engulfed under the weight of the failure, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the hate, the resentment, the bitterness, the list is endless

I am hovering against an ongoing current that seems relentless and won't let up

the shore is close but yet so far away

I come up for air but then I am swallowed by the waves

acceptance is near, but still out of reach

today I will sit with the anger 

tomorrow I will face the day yet again