Muddy waters

I’ve calmed down

My body doesn’t ache

My heart feels at rest

My thoughts don’t race

I truly have some sense of peace

It’s complicated, I’ll tell myself, but in reality it’s not

I’m not overthinking

Just realizing

I’m allowed to be me

It’s okay to feel & be where I am

Times are meant to be waded through

Sometimes you feel like your drowning

& many times you don’t realize how you pulled yourself out of the waters

The pressure kept building until it didn’t anymore

It just gradually stopped

It’s always going to be

You’ve accepted that sentiment

Things have transformed but your soul still knows

The semblance still resides

It’s different now

You’ve learned not to erase but accept

You’ve seen the beauty in the breaking 

& you’ve accepted that now

There are no answers

There are no more what ifs

It just is

So be it & so it is 

Destroyed

 Love had the power to destroy me.

Driving home last night I was overcome with emotion.

My heart was slowly ripped out of my body & smashed against the brick wall.

It refused to shatter.

It continued to beat but yet “his” hands continued to squeeze the pieces at various times.

Just when I would come up for air it was ripped out again & blocked any source of genuine love that was sent to me.

I let myself feel the love & a mirror flashed in my face to remind me of the devastation & the past. 

I couldn’t breathe, those memories of what I had and what would never again come to life surround me, so I sabotage.

My heart is broken, literally unrepairable.

Love was dismantled & yet the anticipation of new love exists but cannot be grasped.

I am my own worst enemy regardless of what I do and what I’m told.