a dear friend of mine painted this....

my breath was taken away, not necessarily by its beauty, but by its significance to my life.  I saw a depth in this painting.  a depth that represented my walk through the last 22 years of my existence.  

a walk that has carried much joy, much sorrow and much dysfunction.  had you told me 22 years ago i would walk this journey, i would not have believed you.  i would have argued with you profusely.  

i see things now that i could not see then.  i question everything about the last 22 years.  i search for answers and reasoning.  i can't seem to find them.  i can't seem to answer the questions.  no one can.  

this was the beginning.  the beginning of a journey that i was not equipped for.  the winds were constantly changing.  the waves were consistently beating me down.  i could not see it, i was blinded.  blinded by love, devotion, loyalty, fear, judgement, obsession, codependency, you name it, it was there.  

i walked the path i felt i was supposed to.  i fought the battles climbing uphill and not looking back.  i defended the enemy out of mere love or so i thought.  i kept walking, i fell often, but i kept walking.  

there were lulls of joy and ebbs of angst.  there were gifts that were given and a soul that was lost in the process.  i buried and the waves washed over those burials and carried them away.  those feelings were fleeting but burned in my soul.  

the torment i felt existed only in my mind.  i slowly lost that battle.  i mindlessly lost myself.  i would come up for air only to be pulled back under again.  the voices were deafening.

the question i am challenged with the most is why.  why did i stay, why did i fight, why did i continue to move forward and "forgive" 

why do i continue to stay, why do i continue to fight, why do i continue to move forward and "forgive"  for now the answers are lost, lost at sea, literally....