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almost two years ago, i claimed rebirth
i have faltered considerably over those years
rebirth to me seemed easy, effortless
after all i had overcome so much already
but to my dismay the roots were still embedded in my being
twisted deeper as i neglected to abandon my past
i was stuck, grounded in my past
in the future that i mercilessly prayed for
i was relentless to hold onto something that had been long gone
and i could not accept it, i still don't know if i can or if i ever will
i allowed myself to get so embedded & meshed with someone else
when I pulled away
i broke
i fell apart...
i put everything i had into my other half
not myself
but him...
The love I poured into his soul seeped out of my pores at such an intense speed
i became weak
i could not stand alone
i could not stand without him...
as i broke, i wanted him to fill my cracks
to seal them shut
he could not
he didn't have the capacity because he was far too broken himself...
over time my love poured out unconditionally
i continued to pick up those broken pieces & hide them away
quickly & quietly...
I gathered them with such grace
as to not shatter them further
& gently closed the box...
the box stayed shut for over 20 years
Nothing was subtle, it was always grandiose
relentlessly i would gather the pieces again to no avail
my soul would shatter at such intense levels
i was numb to the pain
~he was my jesus
he was going to save us
it was all up to him
i fought regardless
i pushed through the unbelievable chaos
it was out of my hands yet I foolishly kept holding on
he represented hope
we were going to be a testimony, finally
we were an ongoing testament of God’s great plan, after all Jeremiah 29:11, it was exhausting
every few years we fought a new battle
& we overcame
he was so blinded
i was just stupid
you were easily fooled
that representation of “jesus”
lied to me
abandoned me, time & time again
he kept going under
i have tried to find my way back
i have fought & fought those demons
sometimes there just isn’t a way out….
~I write this because it’s my truth right now. I reflected back on my blog entries & noticed similar feelings over the years at this time. I speak this out loud because while I continuously feel alone in this endeavor I know there are others. There are others who feel like there is no end in sight. There is no hope. Yes, you still move forward, you still keep living but inside your whole being is screaming. If anything just know you’re not alone & don’t be afraid to speak your truth. Someone once told me the more you speak it out, the less grip it has on you.
4 years to now….
It has been 880 days of a battle that cannot be won. It has been 880 days of giving in & letting go & repeatedly snatching it back. It has been 880 days of the band aids being applied only to be ripped off again. It has been 880 days since I realized I have not gotten out of the way at all. It has been 880 days since my life crumbled to pieces all around me & there was nothing I could do. It has been 880 days since my eyes began to truly open to what a monster this disease truly is. It has been 880 days of a journey that I have tried to push through relentlessly but realizing there is no end.
No amount of fighting can bring resolution. No amount of trying to control a situation can bring peace. No amount of prayer, hope or faith can bring you what you desire.
My story is my own. My story is not everyone’s story. I have continued to search for “those people” to find the answers & solutions yet have found my own in the process. My journey is broken but deep in my soul I know ultimately there is hope, while the result will not be what I had ultimately hoped for, the hope lies within….the peace lies within…the love comes from within❤️🩹
let go, i heard the whisper in my soul
daily
i have to let go
hourly
i have to let go
they say it’s gets easier
they lied
you keep moving, you keep listening
that still small voice inside you
it will continue to scream
let go…
My heart is breaking
My soul is tired
There is no win in this situation
There is no give, it’s just take, take, take
A glimpse of hope
Yet nothing moves forward
The pattern is constant
Let.it.fucking.go.
I will no longer stand idle
I will no longer hold my screams in
I will no longer allow fear to penetrate my soul
I will no longer make excuses
I will no longer allow the words to terrify me
I will no longer believe the threats & lies
I will no longer let the daggers pierce my heart
You can not sway me
You can not silence me
You can not break me
You can not lie to me
You can not hurt me
You can not convince me
You can not destroy me
I will rise up
I will rise above
I will rise through
I will rise beyond
I will rise with vengeance
I will rise with truth
I will rise with strength
Climbing out I thought I was free
The chain pulled tighter
Walking away I thought was the key
The waves crashed harder
The ebb & flow of this disease
Scars every inch of my soul
Watching you slowly waste away
Is the loudest scream I’ve ever heard
Your hands clasp tightly
shattering my mind
I wail
glass shatters
but you won’t wake up
be calm and it will pass
the anger is silent
yet rages through my body
it beats on my bones
the stillness is present
but fleeting
it visits for a time
but then abandons me
Redemption was supposed to be mine
Providence was our promise
a promise that fell through the cracks
the struggle was fought
but the battle was not won
the testimony was spoken
but over time it burned to ash
slowly like a serum
it dripped out like poison
a long slow awaited death
one that you knew was coming
but not one you could prepare for
it pummeled my heart
it shattered my soul
you find a way through
because there is no way out
In the secret in the quiet place I am here. I am being forced to listen, but yet I am writing instead. I want to hear what needs to be ...
