the journey continues

 4 years to now….

It has been 880 days of a battle that cannot be won.  It has been 880 days of giving in & letting go & repeatedly snatching it back.  It has been 880 days of the band aids being applied only to be ripped off again.  It has been 880 days since I realized I have not gotten out of the way at all.  It has been 880 days since my life crumbled to pieces all around me & there was nothing I could do.  It has been 880 days since my eyes began to truly open to what a monster this disease truly is.  It has been 880 days of a journey that I have tried to push through relentlessly but realizing there is no end.  

No amount of fighting can bring resolution.  No amount of trying to control a situation can bring peace.  No amount of prayer, hope or faith can bring you what you desire.  

My story is my own.  My story is not everyone’s story.  I have continued to search for “those people” to find the answers & solutions yet have found my own in the process.  My journey is broken but deep in my soul I know ultimately there is hope, while the result will not be what I had ultimately hoped for, the hope lies within….the peace lies within…the love comes from within❤️‍🩹

Whisper in my soul

 let go, i heard the whisper in my soul

daily 

i have to let go

hourly 

i have to let go

they say it’s gets easier

they lied

you keep moving, you keep listening

that still small voice inside you

it will continue to scream 

let go…

Now

 My heart is breaking

My soul is tired

There is no win in this situation

There is no give, it’s just take, take, take

A glimpse of hope

Yet nothing moves forward

The pattern is constant

Let.it.fucking.go.

Watch me

 

I will no longer stand idle

I will no longer hold my screams in

I will no longer allow fear to penetrate my soul

I will no longer make excuses

I will no longer allow the words to terrify me 

I will no longer believe the threats & lies

I will no longer let the daggers pierce my heart

You can not sway me

You can not silence me

You can not break me

You can not lie to me

You can not hurt me

You can not convince me

You can not destroy me 

I will rise up

I will rise above

I will rise through

I will rise beyond

I will rise with vengeance 

I will rise with truth

I will rise with strength

hide me in a place where i only hear the whispers of the wind

secure my arms around myself where no aches can enter my bones

flood my soul with peace that battles the despair

quiet my mind that stirs at the mention

breathe into me the answers i've been after...

surround me with the light and shut out the darkness

the pieces

 

Climbing out I thought I was free

The chain pulled tighter

Walking away I thought was the key

The waves crashed harder

The ebb & flow of this disease

Scars every inch of my soul

Watching you slowly waste away

Is the loudest scream I’ve ever heard

Your hands clasp tightly

shattering my mind

I wail

glass shatters

but you won’t wake up

be still

be still they said

be calm and it will pass

the anger is silent

yet rages through my body

it beats on my bones

the stillness is present 

but fleeting

it visits for a time 

but then abandons me

 

Taken...

Redemption was supposed to be mine

Providence was our promise

a promise that fell through the cracks

the struggle was fought

but the battle was not won

the testimony was spoken 

but over time it burned to ash

slowly like a serum

it dripped out like poison

a long slow awaited death

one that you knew was coming

but not one you could prepare for

it pummeled my heart 

it shattered my soul

you find a way through

because there is no way out

For such a time is this

 

Sometimes we’re stripped of everything we thought had once defined us…

We feel defeated, alone, battered, destroyed…

We see this empty barren vessel…

That is no longer complete…

What we fail to realize is the turn around

The breaking 

The awakening

The process is slow

Yet we rush it

For such a time as this

We grow, we flourish, we thrive🌳

 Today I am listening

Feelings are not my friend

Flooding my soul are the thoughts

Swirling & twisting around my heart

Squeezing so tightly I feel the air leave

Questioning this new found freedom 

So fleeting

Does it only last for a time

Will it always be like this

Am I a hypocrite 

Can I ever fully walk away

The days will accumulate but new days are coming

What to expect is crushing

What am I truly so afraid of

Why is that last brick holding on

Why have you not smashed to the floor

Just let me go

Let me be released from any & all reminders

Show me that it’s okay 

Tear away the guilt that plagues my soul

Rid me of this hatred that eats away at my bones

Hidden

 

For years I hid in darkness

I took apart the very own pieces of my soul

The light that magnified my being was snuffed out 

A steady stream of flickering until all light was gone

I held in my hands the source of my energy but continued to falter  at putting the pieces back together