The source

Like a river it streams down my face

As warm as a blanket it hides in the shelter

As cold as the ice it slips away

The snap of a memory it presses its way back in

The shatter of the glass slips right through my fingers

The turn of a page it bleeds out through the pen

The screams out of my mouth hit others like arrows

Piercing their innocent hearts

The rubber bands snapping against my skin

Remind me of the sting of his words

The slam of a door cracks me in half

The thought of him leaving angers my soul

The sobriety turns the next page in his book

But leaves me hostile with the ache of the memories

the battle rages on

 

the battle ensues...

so often i had the mentality if i could just get through this stage, this season, this episode, it would be well

i was a fool, loyalty or stupidity, therin lies the mystery

i have spent the last two years swimming upstream against a current i could not master

i fought, i struggled, i questioned, i reasoned, i listened, i ignored, i begged, i pleaded

my words were void

my prayers were empty

my hopes diminished

finally i have arrived again at a crossroads, the journey looks no different this time, yet i am different

many paths could be taken, there are no guarantees, there are no promises, there is hope, yet it is fleeting because we have been in this exact place

the more i dig, the more i see

the more i remember, i'm pulled backwards to thoughts of despair, pain & brokenness 

do i risk dying on that hill all over again, do i betray myself in the process, is that what it would be considered

the angst bubbles up and seeps into my pores as i contemplate the finale of having to make a choice

the anger surfaces much too often as i'm reminded what i climbed out of to even consider moving forward yet again

the grief overwhelms me if i choose myself